It's almost 3:30am and I cannot fall back asleep. I think I have a lot on my heart and my mind. As what should have been our transfer date nears, I find myself slowly realizing we failed a second cycle. My brain recognized it happened, but only as an event - it almost still feels like it NEVER happened. Or, something as normal as I had an appointment with a doctor, everything was standard, nothing to write home about.
I finally took the leap and requested our Embryoscope video and pictures of our embryos from our latest cycle be sent to us. (FYI - Embryoscope is a unique process in which the embryos remain in the incubator during the 5 days, allowing the Embryologists to get more pictures of the embryo. From here they can create a time-lapsed video of the embryo from fertilization to just before transfer.) Doing so - without even receiving a response yet (as I sent the request on a Friday evening) started to break down the walls my brain has built to protect me.
For those who aren't familiar with our story, particularly the beautiful gift my husband gave me when we started our first IVF cycle, here it is.
Our first IVF cycle was in March of 2016. Just before I started my medications that January, my husband (who was working for Helzberg Diamonds at the time) bought me a beautiful Journey pendant. It became the necklace I only took off when I had to. The necklace was a wonderful, thoughtful symbol of what was to come. It was exciting. Every stone was a diamond - pure, clear, beautiful.
After our failed cycle, there was a period of time I was upset with my husband. I felt like he wasn't hurting like I was and that he didn't understand the pain I was going through. He never expressed to me how he really felt. It seemed as though I was alone in my grief.
However, I know now he was grieving. He grieved not only the loss of our single embryo and the outcome of our cycle, but also took on MY heartache. He hated (and still does) that he couldn't take away my pain.
Just as I was beginning to vocally express my frustration with him for not opening up about how he felt, he surprised me.
I often visited him at work, and he usually took the time to inspect my jewelry (oh the perks!). He wanted to take a look at the Journey pendant. He told me a stone was loose and it needed sent off for repairs. I thought nothing of it. After all, I constantly wore it - loose stones seemed like a normal thing that would happen.
However, when I got it back... it wasn't the same. In the very center of the pendant where there was once a diamond was an Aquamarine stone. Aquamarine is the March birthstone, and he had it added to represent our angel embryo.
He also traded out two other diamonds for Amethyst - our birthstone (February). So, on either side of our angel embryo was "us". It was his way of letting me know he also constantly thought of the embryo we lost.
It was the most thoughtful gift he could have given me. It was his way of showing me he was grieving, too, and he thought of our angel embryo, too.
I could now keep a symbol of our loss and heaven's gain close to my heart. I sometimes find myself holding it between my fingers, sometimes consciously, sometimes not realizing I'm doing it, but when I do, I'm thinking about the little embryo that fought until day 5 before God called him or her home.
Fast forward to today. In October, we lost two embryos. Today we went and dropped off the necklace two have two more stones switched out. There will be two pink sapphire stones (one of October's birthstones) surrounding the Aquamarine birthstone, and all three will be between our birthstones.
Three beautiful embryos, three beautiful babies in heaven. As we were standing in the store, as I listened to the squeals of children, I held the pendant and began to cry. Reality sinking in, little by little. I turned to my husband and said through my tears, "at least our first baby won't be alone anymore", to which he replied, "I'm sure they're in heaven having a party waiting for us." I found myself smiling through my tears and responding with some remark about how much trouble they're going to be in for throwing a party without talking to us first and that they're too young to be having parties.
So, that's the story of the Journey pendant. I'll post a picture once it comes back to us.
Romans 5:3-5 Not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Now this hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Much Love,
Kristy
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