Allow me to introduce (or re-introduce) myself. My name is Kristy. I started this blog and our Facebook page almost a decade ago as a way to communicate with family and friends (and even strangers) about our journey through infertility. The concept was inspired by someone who also fought the awful battle that is infertility. The thought (early on) was that one day, we would rise from the murk like the lotus does as we came out the other side of infertility with a successful pregnancy and baby in our arms.
Unfortunately, life had other plans for us. Six years of trying. Three IVF cycles. Two different clinics. Five surgeries and four surgeons for Stage 4 Endometriosis. Nothing to show for it but debt, broken hearts, broken spirits, and empty arms. No answers. No resolve. I really think the last two were the toughest to stomach, especially as someone who always wants to know the "why" behind something.
I stopped blogging after awhile because I really did not have anything "new" to say. Does it get easier over time? Yes. Does it take a long time? Also yes. There are a lot more days of being "okay" than not being "okay", but I would be lying if I said that some days hit just as hard as the day I got the phone call that our first cycle's only fertilized egg arrested (stopped growing) on Day 5, which was our transfer day. St. Patrick's Day 2015 to be exact. I blogged as an outlet for myself. I also didn't want others to feel as alone on their journey as I did. Even knowing there were people out there who knew what it was like, the idea of "burdening" others with the same stories and tears became overwhelming. I figured people were sick of hearing it and that it was time to "move on".
But the fact is, you never just "move on". Even those who manage to have their "rainbow baby" (or babies) never get to fully "move on". The hurt is still there. The scars remain. The fear remains. I imagine all parents are fiercely protective over their children. Parents with miracle babies I feel carry an entirely different level of fear after the trauma they endured.
So, for awhile I have felt "stuck" and only post every once in awhile when something is on my heart. This is what has been on my heart for almost two years.
Since the failed cycles, I lost pretty much all confidence in myself. As a high-achiever and person with pretty strong perfectionist tendencies, I blamed myself and my body for "failing" me. If I couldn't even manage to do something I as a woman am "supposed" to be able to do, how could I possibly succeed at anything else? It was as though life came to a complete standstill as I stood frozen and afraid to even approach my school work due to my intense fear of doing it "wrong" and "failing" yet again. I couldn't handle any more "failure". When something can't be explained, the easiest thing to do is often to blame yourself - even if it is NOT your fault - because having SOMETHING to blame it on makes it more "tolerable" in some sick and twisted way.
The fact of the matter is...in 2019, after the endometriosis kept returning despite several excision surgeries, I decided it was time to reclaim my health and let go of any dreams of holding a baby in my arms that carried any of my features or my husband's features. I used to joke that he (my husband) would be "in trouble" because we were going to have a dark-haired baby girl with almond shaped blue eyes.
For awhile, I thought it was the end of the line for this blog and for this project since we are no longer pursuing having children. Until I got to thinking about the fact that our "rainbow" and rising from the murk as a beautiful lotus flower did not exclusively need to pertain to fertility.
Take a moment to think about the challenges you have faced in life. I'm going to guess there have been many, all with varying degrees of intensity. Each of those is a lotus flower just waiting to bloom. Each of those is a rainbow waiting to break out and show that even though it was not the outcome we wanted or expected, there can be beauty in it.
That's why I have decided to continue this blog and this page, but with a new vision.
Let's keep talking about the hard things in life. Let's keep talking about the subjects that are "taboo". This isn't me saying you must publicly profess your struggles. This is me recommitting to talking about things that not everyone is comfortable sharing about their lives. I don't share because I want any pity. I share because if I can help even one person feel seen, heard, and feel less alone, then it is worth the time.
Our rainbows and miracles do not have to be big. Sometimes they are in the little successes, like finding the energy to shower after a long depressive episode or finding the courage to try something new even when anxiety tries to hold you back.
If you take only one thing away from this blog and our page, I hope it is this: You are loved. You are worthy. You are seen. You are heard. You are not "broken'.
So this is me...openly inviting you to continue to try to rise out of the murk even when the murk feels so thick and heavy it seems impossible to bloom. It is always possible to bloom...sometimes, it might just take a decade.
Love,
Kristy
