A friend of mine posted this on Facebook the other day. I read through it and it struck me, but was busy and moved on with my day. However, the thought behind this has been gnawing at me and I can't seem to shake it. Usually that means it's time for a blog post.
I remember when I was younger, I was convinced I would die before I was 16. I don't know why, but it was this weird feeling I had, likely a result of my untreated depression at the time. Obviously, I lived past 16.
I thought I would be married by age 22. I thought I would have my first child by age 25. These were the arbitrary ages I gave myself to complete these life "goals". When 22 passed and I was nowhere near being married, I was depressed. I thought... there must be something wrong with me.
There wasn't. Well, there is - I have my flaws, my quirks, my "isms". But who doesn't? I was 27 when I got married. And it was worth the wait. Had I married any of my previous boyfriends or love interests, I can, without blinking an eye, say I would be absolutely miserable.
I thought I we would have our first child by age 30. But 28 and 29 came and went. And 30 got here with no plans at the time for doing another IVF cycle, so I knew 30 wouldn't be it. I'll be 31 next month.
Why do we set ourselves up like this? By setting deadlines for things that are so... out of our control? It's not like making a to-do list for chores around the house. It's not completing a task at work by a certain date. These are HUGE, life-altering events. These aren't events we really have much control over.
So why on earth are we picking ages and maybe even exact dates to complete these milestones?
I have wonderful friends who are single. Some who choose that lifestyle because it fits them. I have amazing friends who are struggling with infertility or have even chosen to live without children. Do I think any less of them for not "making it" to some arbitrary deadline? Absolutely not. Just the opposite, really.
I applaud those who chose to live their lives according to what they want. Those who don't care what society says is the "norm" and decide that his or her individual happiness and calling is more important that conformity. I commend those who deal with the barrage of people criticizing them for choosing to not have children - whether it's by choice or because of infertility.
And those of us who are battling infertility? Who are in the thick of it? We are not failures. We haven't let anyone down by not having a baby by a certain date. We are no less of women because we aren't there yet. You're no less of a woman because you haven't had your second or third child. (Yes - I fully believe secondary infertility is just as emotionally damaging as primary.)
As I wrote that last paragraph, I felt like a bit of a hypocrite. Because there are days I feel like a failure. Days I cry apologetically to my husband, telling him I'm sorry I haven't been able to give him a child. Fearfully clinging to the nightmare that I will never have a child of my own. That I will never feel a kick inside my belly, I will never hear my baby's heartbeat, will never get to introduce my child to his or her family.
Have you ever heard the story about the monkey trying to get the treat out of the jar? The fist is so balled up it cannot clear the opening. That's what this timeline is. These dates we set for ourselves. We cling onto them and then feel stuck. We feel trapped. We feel hopeless.
It's time to let go. It's time to let go of that timeline, because is it really ours to decide? In a way, it is... but ultimately, it's not. It's up to a higher power. Something bigger than us. It's frustrating to hear. It's frustrating to say. It's frustrating to think. But I can't help at this point to just accept it as the truth.
I never want to push people into leaving their comfort zones until they are ready, but I do like to encourage it. Tonight I'm encouraging you to let go of that fist. That fist you have around your timeline you set for yourself. Let go and instead, take my hand. Take my hand and let's move FORWARD together. Let's enjoy life outside of that timeline. Small things like buying yourself flowers for no reason. Picking out a new set of pens. Going dancing with friends. Getting your nails done.
You are worth much more than what you've accomplished or will accomplish. YOU - just you - as a human being are worthwhile, loved, and special as you are. Who you are - your individual talents, passions, how you treat others - those are the things that matter. These are things that people will remember about you no matter what ends up (or when it ends up happening) on that "timeline".
Life isn't a competition with others. It's a competition with yourself. To keep moving and doing better each day. To keep going despite your setbacks. To take time and say, "I'm not ok right now, but I will be... this, too, shall pass".
Strength isn't always a huge feat. Sometimes it's just laying down at night and saying, "I made it."
Love,
Kristy
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