Surviving The Holidays - Again

Introduction:

Welcome to the full-on upcoming holiday hubub.  Stores have Thanksgiving and holiday decorations on display.  People are planning their menus.  Amazon and other online shopping sites are likely becoming inundated with parents and relatives searching for things on holiday wish-lists.  Pretty soon merry carols will be heard playing in just about every department store.  It's a whirlwind of planning, errands, frenzy, and excitement.  And it SHOULD be.  Trust me when I say this is NOT meant to be a super-bummer post designed to deflate your holiday spirit.  

Holidays are wonderful. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, Easter, Halloween... it's a time we set aside to gather with family and friends and celebrate.  For a brief moment in between the hustle and bustle of preparation and then the clean up detail, we're able to sit back and enjoy each other's company, catch up on life, and let out a sigh of relief.

But that doesn't mean that these occasions are without hardship for many... and I'm NOT just talking about those who are going through infertility.  I'm talking about anyone suffering loss - recent or in years past.

There are MANY articles online about this topic... probably written by those with a professional background in coping with grief.  But I have found that like most things in life, nothing is one size fits all.

SO, there's my preface to this little post.  Please know that I'm writing this from the perspective of someone going through infertility, but I think it could be applicable to others dealing with loss.

A Personal Look:

Let me back up a little bit.  Our retrieval was in October.  We had a date set for transfer - and that date was Monday, December 12th.  Are you ready for some acronym knowledge?  Here you go - although Christmas falls DURING the TWW (two week wait - the horrendous time between transfer or timed intercourse during which you either become pregnant or don't), it was pretty darn close to being at the tail end of the TWW.  

I was SO. STINKING. EXCITED.  To think... FINALLY, a Christmas after 3 years of heartache, this 4th year I wouldn't have to feel the same!  I would be able to proudly present a positive pregnancy test to my husband.  I'd be able to share with my family that IT WORKED!  WE ARE PREGNANT!

Oy... How very quickly that dream came crashing down around us.  No embryos to transfer means the transfer is cancelled.

If you're ready to head somewhere a bit scary (just kidding), let me take you into my head during the holidays.

"OOOOOO!!!  This is so cute!  I have to get this for the little (more acronym knowledge - The little is my nickname for my SD = Stepdaughter)"

"I need to text my sisters / sister-in-laws to find out what to get my nephews for Christmas"

"...I may never know what it's like to shop for a child of my own."

"Yay!  Letters to Santa, cookie making and crafts!!!  I love this time with the little!"

"...I may never get to experience these things with a child of my own..."

"Oh rats... there's dog hair/me hair on the tape!  Oh well... they'll be so busy unwrapping they won't care."

"Oh man... an invitation to a holiday party... I want to see people... BUUUUUT... I'm in pain and I'm in such a sad mood I won't be good company.  Pass."

"Yes!  So prepared for the holiday.  Gifts are wrapped and organized.  I am the queen of being on top of things!"

"AWESOME!  Holiday Cards to send to family!  Must get these mailed out."

"Ooops... didn't get those holiday cards mailed out... maybe next year..."

"Yay!  Santa is going to be at (enter location here)!  Can't wait to take the little!"

"The little is so excited to see Santa.  I love seeing her so happy and excited."

"What if I never get to experience this with a child of my own?"
"NO!  Focus on the little.  Don't let her know you're upset."

"(Goes to see Santa)... Oh my goodness she is so precious.  *heart melts* Don't let her grow up too fast!!!"

"Look at all these kids with their families... oh look, they look like their parents. What if I never get to bring a child of my own to see Santa?  To see a little piece of me up there, eyes filled with wonder?"

"(Holds back tears)"

"I wonder if I can sit on Santa's lap and ask him for a baby.  No wait... that can be taken totally wrong.  Nope."

***Actual holiday approaches***

"I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for the kids to open their gifts!"

"Oh man... I just want to lay in bed.  Yeah, just going to lay here."

"Crap... I'm crying.  Can this bed just swallow me up whole?  I don't want to move.  Where's the dog."

"You.  Must.  Get.  Out.  Of.  Bed."

"Hey!  Don't be a spoil sport.  Don't ruin the holidays for people. This is a happy time.  Get out of bed and PRETEND EVERYTHING IS OK!"

"Ok, I'm out of bed... time to face the world.  I'm ready."

"Nope.  Not ready.  Can I go back to bed?"

"NO!  Come one, Kristy... get it together.  Don't let anyone down."

"Ok.  I'm here.  Try not to cry, ok?  You don't want to be asked questions and you don't want to ruin the mood."

"Crap... I'm crying.  I can't help it.  QUICK!  Hide!"

"Ok... meltdown over.  Thank goodness I wear good makeup... no one will know."

"Awww... look how excited they are to open presents!  They're all so happy.  *heart smiles*"

"*Heart shatters*"

"I may never get to experience the joy of watching a child of my own opening presents on days like today."

"STOP thinking that... it's going to make you cry.  FOCUS.  HAPPY."

"Just plaster a smile on.  You can do it.  (counts down hours until it's time to go home)"

"It was supposed to be different this year..."

"Next year it will be different..."

These are ALL thoughts (well, not ALL of them, but many) that pass through my head every holiday.  As you can see, there is SO MUCH back and forth.  Struggling between trying to keep up the excitement for the sake of the little and trying to take care of myself and my feelings.

It is EXHAUSTING.

But you know what?  I survived.  And I'll survive another.  Not saying it's going to be easy, but I will.  I've proven that I can.  And if you're reading this, you've proven that you can, too.  So major kudos to you, sweet fellow survivors. 


Tips for those grieving: 

So... what are my top tips for surviving the holidays based on these past years?  

1.  Recognize your feelings are VALID.  Do NOT try to downplay how you feel.  YES, someone else is probably having a harder time than you.  But feelings and grief aren't a game of one-upping each other (or rather in your mind, thinking of someone else one-upping you).  You have every right to be sad, to grieve, to cry, to hide, to yell in private.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2.  After you've recognized your feelings, figure out YOUR best coping mechanism.  Meditation?  Hiding in a dark room for 5 minutes?  Talking to a friend?  KNOW your coping mechanism (please make sure it's a healthy coping mechanism) before getting into the holiday.

3.  Know your triggers.  What sets you off???  Can it be avoided?  If it can, AVOID IT.  If it can't, figure out how you will respond.  You don't have to be at every holiday party.  Politely decline.  Or, you don't have to stay for the whole time... make an appearance, then go home and put on comfy clothes and do you.  

4.  Obviously all functions can't be (and shouldn't be) skipped.  Have a "safe person".  Someone who you trust and who knows what's going on.  Let them know you're having a hard time and your plan for dealing with the hard time.  For example, if your way of resetting is to take some time to hide and cry, make sure they know so they can cover for you.  I have to go to the bathroom A LOT during the holidays.  Maybe you can offer to run an errand.  Or maybe you need that person to just come with you to an empty room and give you a hug and a tissue.

5.  Set limits.  Give yourself time to grieve... but don't let it consume your entire holiday.  Decide you're going to set aside "X" amount of time to grieve, then go out and spend time with your loved ones.  You never know if it's the last time you'll be spending that holiday with them.  Don't let your grief and letting your grief take over lead to future regrets.  Set aside the grief in a little box in your mind and come back to it later.

6.  Know that people will inadvertently say stupid things to you without realizing what you're going through... and have a plan on how to respond.  I kid you not, two years ago at a family Christmas gathering I was asked if I was pregnant.  First of all, I didn't look ANYWHERE near pregnant.  And... of course, I WISHED I were.  I was honestly just stunned... I said no, I wasn't... then quickly found my husband and asked HIM if I looked pregnant.  You may be asked when you're planning on having kids, more kids, etc.  Just have some sort of canned response ready for these times, or maybe just hand them a cookie and walk away.  Whatever works for you.

7.  Take some FUN time for YOU.  Go get a massage.  Set a budget for yourself and go buy something.  Go sledding.  If you can afford it, take a tropical vacation.  It can be as simple and cheap as taking a bubble bath and listening to your favorite music.  Just do something for YOU.

8. Go easy on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's only going to make things worse. Know that if grieving during the holidays is going to look different from year to year.  Adapt.  Adjust.  Learn what works for you.

Tips for Family:

Now for some more unsolicited advice, this time for family members.

1.  Do not ask if someone is pregnant, is planning on becoming pregnant, or anything along those lines.  REALLY, this isn't a great question to ask.  It's really not polite.  First of all, if they ARE pregnant, they will either (1) ANNOUNCE IT to you or (2) You'll find out when the baby is born.  And about the whole planning to become pregnant?  Do you REALLY want to know?  Do you really NEED to know?  Ask yourself this... is it something that will directly impact your life in such a way that you would mean intense involvement on your end?  If the answer is NO, then don't ask.  And if I'm telling you to not ask a FAMILY member, it goes double for asking someone you just meet, a stranger, or a friend.  (This applies to asking if/when someone is planning on getting married.  Just... don't.  These questions can dredge up some real heartache.)

2.  If you do know what's going on, DON'T bring it up.  Let them bring it up if/when they're ready or if they want to talk about it.  Hugs and saying you're thinking about the person is plenty.  If we need more, we'll ask.

3.  ENJOY the holiday!!!  We do NOT want to bring everyone down!  Celebrate, eat, drink, be merry!!!  We will join you as we can, because we want to eat, drink and be merry, too!  It just doesn't come so easy.  

To Wrap Up...

What are some of your tips?  Feel free to share them below. 

In the meantime, HAPPY HOLIDAYS as they approach to you and yours.  Please feel free to reach out to me if you're needing some support.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Love,

Kristy