Anyone who has wished to become pregnant can relate to this post. It doesn't matter if it was your first month trying or your hundredth.
"The POAS Cycle - The When, Why, and Crazy"
(For those of you don't know, POAS is the acronym for "Pee on a stick" or "Peeing on a Stick" or Peed on a Stick" - any variety of the act of urinating on a pregnancy test. They tried UOAS, but it just doesn't have the same zing as POAS. It's a very common abbreviation to see in the infertility world, especially following an ET, or Egg Transfer). Besides, no one likes to actually see the words of bodily functions spelled out. Plus, we're too busy POAS-ing to spell it out anyway.
Reasons one POAS
1. Nausea. Who cares if it's probably the Taco Bell I ate two hours after it sat at my desk. NO! It must be morning sickness! Doesn't matter what time of the day it is. If it's near that time of month, my mind automatically (as much as I try to reel it in) jumps to PREGNANCY! Next step? POAS.
2. Breast Tenderness. My bra hurts today a little. Ooooo... and they really hurt when I push on them really hard! Who cares if it takes gorilla-like strength to make them feel sore... they're sore, so I'M PREGNANT! What else explains it? (Other than hormone changes that occur with ovulation and menstruation). Next step? POAS!
3. It's 5 Days before my period should start! I know I ovulated this month. I want to know NOW. I'm going to buy 10 pregnancy tests. Why would they make these if it wasn't going to show me early that I'm pregnant? Next step? Buy tests. Followed by POATS! (PEE ON ALL THE STICKS!!!)
4. I feel like I'm sensitive to smells. Like, I can REALLY smell that soap/perfume/food. It's like I have super-human smelling abilities! Who cares if the perfume was loaded on way too strong and maybe that's why. It's because the food JUST came out of the microwave? PUH-LEASE. I'm PREGNANT! Next step? Leave work, buy a pregnancy test, put your purchase in your purse, open it secretly in the bathroom stall AT THE STORE, and... POAS!
5. It's the day before my period and I don't have cramps! Meh, it has nothing to do with the copious amounts of acetaminophen or ibuprofen I took to reduce my fever/other pain. No... this must mean I'm healed because I'M FREAKING PREGNANT! Next step... POAS!
6. It's the day my period is supposed to start and it hasn't. I'm never late. Time to POAS!
7. I'm a day / two days / three days late... POAS ALL OF THE DAYS!!!
Try as you might... even if you KNOW what the result will be, and you KNOW you know it deep down... you cannot help but allow yourself to feel a glimmer of hope. JUST enough to feel like maybe... just MAYBE.... for ONCE you'll see two, beautiful pink lines.
It doesn't matter how many times you've seen a negative test. It hurts. Every. Single. Time.
Every month is literally like going through the grieving process. Imagine going through that 12 times a year... for multiple years. I think I'll save that for another blog post, though.
I POAS today. I considered doing a live video talking about it, but decided a blog would be less awkward. The funny law of nature when it comes to pregnancy tests and infertility is... inevitably, the day after you test is the day Aunt Flo decides she wants to visit.
It doesn't get easier to see this. But you do become more numb to it. A single pink (or blue) line. A representation of another month passed. Another month knowing you won't be announcing your pregnancy, or proudly showing your significant other the two lines you want so desperately to see.
You squint at it, shake it, come back and look at it 10 minutes later, hoping to see a faint line. But it seems like that control line is ALWAYS so stinking BRIGHT. Like it's mocking you. It kind of makes you want to stomp on it, take a sledgehammer to it, and throw it into the street.
There's only one line. And with each single line I see, I feel my heart crack a little bit more. What starts out as hope and anticipation ends within 3 minutes with complete and utter disappointment, even if you are prepared for the negative.
Heavenly Father, I know tonight someone else is out there grieving. Grieving a dream and wish that has yet to come true. Feeling like she has become invisible to You. Filled with confusion as to why, yet again, her prayers haven't been answered. She has seen more single lines than she cares to remember... yet she remembers each and every one. I pray that tonight, despite feeling hopeless and maybe even angry, that you are there, nudging her and reminding her that You ARE still here. That her prayer has not fallen on deaf ears. Help soften her heart and strengthen her resolve in You. Remind her she is not alone. And help her remain steadfast on her faith journey despite the temptation to pull away from You. Bring comfort to her tonight. Bring peace to her. Whisper in her ear, reminding her she is NOT a failure - she is Your child, and Your beautiful creation. Infertility does not define her, for you had laid out Your plan for her long ago. And while this does not always bring comfort to her heart, gently guide her back to that place. In your name I pray, Amen.
Love,
Kristy
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