In just a few short days, families will gather around the table for food and festivities. In many of these families, little feet will pitter patter about, there will likely be a few meltdown moments, and many of them will be asked what they want Santa to bring them for Christmas.
Holidays are a mixed bag for me. I honestly couldn't tell you at this moment how I'll feel come Thursday. I'll be even more honest and tell you that even though it has been more two weeks since we found out our cycle failed, try as I might, I really don't think I have begun to process what happened. But that's for another day, another blog.
Being thankful is a very popular theme during November. You see it all over social media with the "Thankful Challenge" and it's usually a topic at church. And, as with anyone who is struggling with grief or depression or if life feels like it has kicked them in the shins (sometimes multiple times or maybe nonstop), feeling truly thankful is difficult. The mind is a skipping record, stuck on that one scratch that the brain refuses to release.
It failed. I have no embryos. It happened to us again. Why me. Why us. Why now. This Christmas is not going to be different. I'm in pain, so much so on some days I can't even stand up straight.
It would be easy for me to just tell myself these things over and over again. To decide that I deserve to stay stuck in this place of these thoughts on repeat, going through my head over and over again. And, if I were to be completely candid... part of me is tempted to do so.
But... something struck me during today's church service. At this moment, I couldn't tell you at which point or what triggered it, but I know it was when our pastor was speaking.
I don't know why, but I found myself thinking... I am thankful for my infertility.
Sounds crazy, right? But I really think God put that into my head and heart, and now I'm here to share with you a unique - albeit strange - take on the Thankful Challenge.
30 Reasons I'm Thankful for My Infertility - Part One:
1. It has made me stronger. I was convinced if we failed a our first cycle, I would completely spiral and would crumble up and die. But not only did I survive the first failed cycle, I'm surviving a second one.
2. It has made our marriage stronger. Infertility can truly make or break a marriage. We have EXTREMELY rough patches. But, for more than three years we have journeyed this road together.
3. It has made me more aware of the feelings of others. I think about things in a way I hadn't in the past. I no longer ask people if they have kids or are planning on having kids. I've become more in tune and sensitive to my surroundings. I feel compassion more deeply than I ever thought possible, especially for those who are also going through infertility.
4. It has strengthened my faith. There was a time (and don't get me wrong, I still struggle) where I turned from God. I was angry. I hated Him. I didn't understand why I had to go through this. But now I'm to the point where I find comfort in prayer and scripture and turning to God.
5. It has showed me how wonderful the world and the people in it can be. I am wowed by the number of friends, family and even strangers who have reached out to us. Who have prayed for us. It has been humbling and I can't really put into words just how incredible it has been to have so much support.
6. It has taught me lessons on dealing with my own grief. Grief is a process that in the past, I never really dealt with. I bottled it up or completely fell apart. There was no in between. I never felt like I went through the conventional stages of grief. But now - now I feel like I've learned how to begin coping and truly picking apart and recognizing what I'm feeling. More in 7 and 8 about what I learned about grief.
7. It taught me grief is not linear. You may feel one way one day and think
you're on the path to acceptance, but then suddenly you've moved back to
denial. It's not some neat and tidy process. It's messy. It's frustrating. It's confusing. But, that's ok.
8. You can grieve a non-tangible loss. I never miscarried. I never saw my embryos. I never held, felt or saw what I lost. So for a long time, I struggled with how to grieve our failed cycle. How could I possibly grieve over something that was nothing more than a concept? Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams is a legitimate reason to be heartbroken. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to go through the grieving process. You need to. I needed to.
I'm going to stop there for now, but it's my goal to have 30 reasons up by the end of the month.
1 Thessalonians 5:18: Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. (NLT)
Much Love,
Kristy
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