When It Isn't Different This Year

Lately, I seem to be stumbling upon past posts of mine - either blogs or posts on our Facebook page.

The common theme?

Hope. Faith. Positivity.

Perhaps that is why my latest blog was in April.

Honestly - I have grappled with whether or not to even DO blog post...especially this close to the holidays. I fear that people think I should have moved on by now. I am afraid people just see me as "the infertile woman who just won't move on". And...because my entire being feels a complete and utter void of the three things I tried to maintain.

Hope. Faith. Positivity.

I have put a lot of thought into my decision to say YES. Yes - I am going to share. I am no longer going to continue to hide behind the shame I have buried myself under for what feels like eternity. The reason? I know I'm not alone in my feelings. And perhaps I can help someone feel a little less alone.

The past three years have been a whirlwind. Career changes. Moving to a new house. Three IVF cycles - two of which involved 6 hour round trip travels. Four surgeries for my endometriosis. Multiple hospitalizations prior to the surgeries due to pain. A health scare where I had to see a neurologist briefly. There were more things that happened, but you get the point.

It was nonstop. Until about a year ago when everything quieted down. 

The final surgeries were successful...I was no longer in excruciating, chronic pain. Additional cycles were off the table - financially, physically, and emotionally.

Chaos and distractions? Gone. So naturally, the brain does what it's designed to do. The floodgates opened.

As hard as I tried (when I chose to), I couldn't process what happened. Part of it was that I simply didn't have the time or energy. Now I am forced to do just that.

I'm staring it in the face. The loss. The confusion. The hurt. The anger. The resentment. The financial burden incurred during all of it. The numbness. The depression. The "what-ifs". The "what nexts". 

There are moments I feel everything...yet nothing...at the same time.

So, where does the shame factor into the equation?

I've completely lost faith, hope, and positivity. 

I feel like I have been beaten down. I no longer want to have faith or hope, because so far, I have been told "no". This year, I haven't even really attempted to get pregnant. Why? Fear and lack of faith and hope. I couldn't and can't bear the thought of trying and failing. Again. And again. And again. And again.

"But you won't know unless you try.". True. But if I try and fail again? I simply cannot even stomach the thought. So I quit. I gave up. I decided I couldn't keep holding onto hope and faith, because if those two things were all that was required? There would be three additional children to celebrate Christmas with.

You know what I fear? Being told the reason is because I lacked faith. 

If anyone tells you that? It's nonsense. From a Biblical standpoint, I'm sure this will can be refuted. But a lack of faith doesn't cause the sudden death of a loved one. A lack of faith doesn't cause cancer. A lack of faith doesn't cause illness. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your heartache is because you lacked faith.

So why would we tell that to ourselves?

I'm not saying that continuing to lack faith is the answer. I know it's not. I am saying that if you are where I am right now? It's ok. Give yourself permission to grieve...and to grieve fully. Timelines for grief? No. Such. Thing. I'm a firm believer that we all process our hardships on our own terms and our own time. No amount of encouragement, shaming, or well-meaning conversations and messages can force us to face our grief or losses head-on. I also believe that our losses will forever remain in our hearts and on our minds. Over time? It will evolve. But it's never going to go away.

So here's my honest, fully transparent, "I-don't-know-if-I-should-share-this" moment.

I'm not ok. I haven't been ok for some time now. I don't know when I'll be ok. I don't know how my healing process is going to look. I don't know how long it will take. I'm completely, utterly lost, confused, and hurting to the point where every fiber of my being aches. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at God to the point where I have pushed Him away and I want nothing to do with Him, even though it's almost Christmas - the day on which God gave the world its greatest gift. I don't feel like "sucking it up" and smiling and acting like I'm enjoying the holiday season. I'm not. I don't want to pretend. I just want to be. But society and self-inflicted shame push me to do just that - show up, pretend I'm ok, interact as normally as I can, and not bring down everyone else during my massive grief spell I seem to be experiencing.

This year, I'm not saying, "maybe next year". I'm so sick of telling myself "maybe next year".

I can't tie this post up in a neat little bow, so I will end with this.

You are loved. Your feelings are valid. And if you need me...I am here for you.

Love,

Kristy

When God Finally Gives You His Why

I remember the exact booth I was sitting in.  Across from me was one of my most valued former colleague and mentor, Garry Moore.  During our time as coworkers, Garry and I would sometimes discuss psychology, as it was an shared interest.  I told him about our struggle to conceive and the possibility of needing treatment.  What he said next upset me - he told me that I was young and the baby could wait, and I should go back to school.

As I look back now - four or so years later - I realize that Garry's advice was actually very sound.

So how did I get here?

Without boring you with too much detail, here are the little road signs God created for me without me even realizing it.

In July 2017, I left my job at the Red Cross.

For a short time after, I was employed by David's Bridal.  They were only scheduling me for 4 hours every two weeks, so I quit.

My husband and I were struggling to make end's meet.  I was having an identity crisis not having a job.  One day, as I was driving, I called out to God for the first time in forever - out loud.

I begged him to show me my path.  To take away my pain.

That same day, I walked into Bergner's.  I was dropping of something for a friend, and decided to drop by the Lancome counter to visit a dear friend from my former church, Sally.  Since I was scheduled for surgery right in the middle of the holiday season, I wanted her opinion on whether or not I should apply for seasonal work.  She directed me to the Assistant Store Manager - and I left that day with a job.  They hired me despite the fact I would be gone for at least three weeks in December.  I couldn't believe it.  I was grateful and felt as though God heard my prayers.  That day, I felt like God led me on that path and that for some reason, I was meant to be at Bergner's.

I worked in handbags and accessories during the holidays.  Once the holidays were over, I had hoped to move over to Lancome with Sally.  No openings, but Estee Lauder was hiring.  I got hired for Estee Lauder full time.

A couple of weeks ago, a woman walked in for a foundation match.  During our conversation, I found out she was the Interim Chancellor and President of Methodist College of Nursing.  I told her I had thought about nursing in the past, and she encouraged me to apply and told me about their programs.  

She gave me her card, and the next day I emailed her.  The following week I had appointments with a faculty member and a recruiter.

Fast forward to today - I found out Bon Ton, the parent company of Bergner's, is liquidating.

I feel like everything that has happened since last July has been leading up to this moment.  I wanted to work at David's Bridal - it didn't work out.  I got hired for a job I didn't expect to get hired for due to my medical condition.  I didn't get hired for the counter I wanted.  But, I believe with all of my heart that God intended for me to meet Dr. Garrison that day.  You want to know what drew her to me?  My cross necklace my mom gave me a few years ago for Christmas.

I feel like God said no to my prayers for a baby because He knew I wasn't where I'm called to be in my career.  That Garry's advice years ago was likely the same thing God was trying to tell me, but I kept ignoring Him out of fear.  Fear of failing.

For the first time in forever, I feel like I can clearly see what's ahead.  It wasn't a coincidence that I am where I am today.  For the first time in forever, I feel at peace with our infertility.  Am I still sad some days?  Absolutely.  But, I know now that God has plans for me that are bigger than my small world.  They're bigger than I can imagine, and I can't wait to see what He has planned next.

I finally see the WHY.  It took me awhile, but it has clicked for me.  Sometimes we get the WHY quickly.  Sometimes it takes weeks.  Months.  Years.  Sometimes we may never understand the WHY. And as hard as that is to swallow sometimes, it's important to step back and try to see the whole picture (advice from my mother).

If you're struggling to find your WHY, to understand your WHY, please reach out to me so I can pray for you.  I pray you find peace in your heart.  I pray that something in your heart will shift and you have enough strength to cry out to God, even when it feels like He is not listening.  I promise you, you are not forgotten.

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Love,

Kristy

Love, The Unapologetic Pet Mom

Awhile back I saw an article aimed at "pet parents".  Apparently, some parents of humans, or "human parents" are offended/taken aback when us "pet parents" do silly things like celebrate Mother's Day.

Now, don't get me wrong - this article made some VERY valid points, and I can see where the author was coming from.  But can I level with you here???  Are people SERIOUSLY so... LITERAL and upset by this?

Please know this is written with nothing but love.  I'm not angry.  Appalled, maybe.  But not angry.  Hear me out.

1.  We KNOW we aren't "parents" (in the conventional sense).  Obviously I didn't carry around my cat/dog/rabbit in my belly for 9 months.  My blood and body did not nourish these tiny beings.  I did not experience morning sickness, swollen ankles, gestational diabetes, bedrest, or labor.  No, my pets - or "children" - came to me as youngsters.  I can thank the two dogs, two bunnies, and two sets of cats for going through the tough part of giving birth to their respective litters.  I'm not delusional.  Obviously you giving birth to your 6 pound, 8 ounce bundle of joy was a much tougher task than adopting my pets.  And before you jump down my throat about comparing adopting children to adopting pets... you know what? Let's not even go there because - well, see my previous statement.  For some of us, these animals ARE our children because we (a) are having trouble conceiving on our own or (b) choose to live a human child-free life.

2.  No, we aren't kept up all night by a newborn.  BUT - sometimes the kitten decides to pee on the bed, the dog decides to vomit on the carpet, the rabbit chooses this moment to bang around in her cage, presumably attempting to escape. So, don't you go thinking we get a full night of beauty rest EVERY night.  I've lost count of the number of times we have had to strip down our bed and take it to the washing machine because our kitten had a UTI. 

3.  No, we don't have to change dirty diapers.  But - see point two.  I've had to change my bed sheets.  Not only that, I have to make sure I'm home by certain times to let out the dog.  I have to clean out litter boxes and rabbit bedding.  I have to carry around a baggy when the dog goes for walks.  Do you see where I'm going here?  And here's the kicker, folks.  THEY DON'T OUTGROW THIS!  Similar to you (but, not EXACTLY like, because if I were to say that, someone would get their parent panties in a bunch), I have to clean the waste my "children" deposit.  And I will for the rest of their lives.  Heck, when they're old enough, I'm sure I'll be cleaning pee and poop off of my nice area rugs and hardwood floors. Oh, and we potty train here, too.  Except... you know... eventually your little bundle of joy will learn how to use a toilet and clean up after his or her self.  I don't have that luxury.  I also don't care, because let's face it, I love these four-legged weirdos.

4.  No, we don't deal with back talk like you do.  We do, however, deal with behavior issues like leg humping, digging in the yard, ignoring our calls, eating clothes or cords, territory marking, furniture scratching, arm/leg/face scratching, begging, etc.  But I know - that's not the same and you, in all reality, have it worse.  I won't have to deal with any teen angst from any of my pets/pet children.

5.  No, we... wait, yes we do.  Guess what?  MY PETS GO TO THE VETERINARIAN!  Look up veterinarian.  I betcha it says something along the lines of "pet doctor".  You take yours to the doctor for routine shots and exams?  So do we!  Did we just become best friends?!?  Sure, my bills may be less expensive.  But it all depends on the baby/tiny human/growing human and the pet. Some pets have conditions for which they need upkeep.  I just spent more than $300 on my kitten who is likely prone to UTI's and will need special food.  But I, like you, love my baby as much as you love yours, so I'll do what I have to for her.  I also once spent more than $100 on my pet mouse that cost me $5 at the pet store.  Why?  Because OUR PETS ARE OUR FAMILY!  If you're really concerned about comparing medical bills, don't get me wrong - you win.

6.  No, we don't have to educate our pets like you have to with your children.  But some people choose to put their pooches through obedience training.  Don't get me wrong, as much as I'd like to teach my dog Spanish, my cats how to multiply and divide, and my rabbit the colors of the rainbow, I can't.  Does this bother me?  Not really. But part of me wishes I could because I like to teach and last time I checked, TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN IS PART OF BEING A PARENT.  It's not something us pet parents signed up for.

7.  No, pets aren't as expensive as children.  Duh.  We know you spend way more taking care of your babies than we do caring for our pets.  But we do have to buy food, medicines as necessary, toys, treats, and other things to keep fido, kitten mittens, and bunny butts healthy and happy.

Bottom line - we KNOW pet parenting is NOT the same as human parenting.  None of us are that stupid.  But, to our credit, we - like you - WOULD GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND BACK to care for our pets.  

I wish I had the luxury of having a tiny human to care for.  But I don't.  Instead I have four animals, all of which have ridiculously long names.  I talk to them.  I hold them.  I pet them, feed them, take them to the vet.  Sure, compared to parenting in "real life" it may seem like nothing.  But for me it's all I have - and for others, it's all they have and/or all they want. (Disclaimer - I have a beautiful, wonderful bonus daughter I get to help raise, and I know I'm an important part of her life/upbringing - but that's an entirely different post).

So PLEASE... just let Pet Parents be Pet Parents.  Let us celebrate the fun of Mother's Day and Father's Day.  We care for and love our pets like they were our children and for people like me wish desperately the celebration was with our own babies we got to hold in our arms.  I would LOVE a hand-drawn card from a child who looks like his/her daddy and me.  I would trade nearly anything in this world for that experience.  But for now, I'm grateful for what I do have - and for me it's my husband, bonus daughter, and my fur babies - King Louie Mallowmar Yodle Whitman, III, Boggle Macaroni Nahdle Whitman, PhD; Duchess Kira Macadamia Bliss Whitman, and Countess Willow Irene Nutella-Waffle Whitman.

From pet mom to pet mom or pet mom to human mom, keep on rocking what you're doing.

Love,

Kristy

To My Embabies in Heaven

We are nearing the anniversary of our second unsuccessful cycle.  Honestly, life happened so fast and I had so much going on after that cycle that I never took the time to process the loss.  If I were to be even more honest, I doubt I have fully comprehended the impact of our first unsuccessful cycle.  Throw in our third unsuccessful cycle in February/March of this year, and let's just say my brain did me a huge favor and shut itself down for a bit.

But the thing about grief is you can't ignore it forever.  You can try to shove it into a back corner of your brain, stacking other things on top of it, like worrying about others or busying yourself with work.  Eventually, things start clearing out and you're left staring at that box.

And this is where I stand now.  Staring at that box.  I can feel barriers breaking down as I frantically try to fix them by distracting myself.  Unfortunately, one can only keep this up for so long before the deterioration starts to outpace what you can do make repairs.

I wrote something similar to this in a past blog post.  But, I don't think I was 100% honest with how I felt.  It was more of a hopeful approach.  More of an approach of pride and wonder.  There was sadness, but I tried to keep it upbeat.  I focused on the embryos we lost.  Not on how I actually felt.

I hand wrote this letter to my embabies we lost.  I debated whether or not it would be just mine - even considered not sharing it with my husband.  My original intent was to just let it be mine.  Especially because I feel like people are telling me to just get over it and move on.  That at this point, I should just move on to the next thing.  That I should stop crying about it.  That I should have processed this by now.  That it's in the past and I can't change it, so it's time to quit the sob stories.

I feel like because of these notions that I should just "move on", you need to see a more raw side of what infertility and loss looks like.

So here it is, unfiltered.  I know I'm not the only one who has been there.  Even couples going through treatment who had a successful cycle can likely relate - because chances are during their process, they, too, felt loss.

To My Embabies in Heaven,

Hi there.  I know we have never met, but I am your mommy.  And while I never had you in my belly, a part of me was a part of you.  Some doctors and people will say you never existed because you wouldn't have survived.  I respectfully disagree.

From the moment I knew you existed, you were mine.  You had a future.  You had a family waiting to meet you.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if there was something more I should have or could have done differently that would have allowed you to be in this world with us.

Even though you existed for a very short period of time, I still feel "mom guilt".  I question what I did wrong.  I secretly blame myself for your death.

I think about you every day.  I wonder what my life would be like if you were here.

I don't know how I can miss, love, and grieve someone I never saw.  Never felt in my belly.  Never held in my arms.

But I held you in my heart.  And I think that's where I feel the loss of you the most.

I would have given my life for you to live.  I would have given up my wordly possessions just to see your face for a minute.

There are moments I wish I were dead because the loss of you is unbearable.

I feel like I have failed you.  I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry I'm here and you're not.  You would love your sister and daddy as much as I do.

My sweet angels - I love you.  I miss you.  I long to meet you.  For those brief moments I knew you existed, you were already my world.

I hope one day I get to meet you in heaven.  I feel like that is the only time and way I will feel at peace.

There is an empty place in my heart where you once were.  Nothing can fill that hole. 

I will try to be a person on this earth you can look down on and be proud of.  I am already proud of you.

All my love,

Your Mommy

An Open Letter to My Husband This Father's Day

Mother's Day often brings up posts about infertility... how we shouldn't forget about certain groups of women - those with infertility past or present, those who have endured infant or pregnancy loss, those who have lost their mothers, and those who have complicated relationships with their mothers.  But on Father's Day the usually rally for morale boosting or recognition and caution to protect those who may be hurting is rarely heard.

The fact of the matter is - whether they want to admit it or not - the men in our lives hurt, too.  They may not have physically gone through what the woman has... but that doesn't make the pain and hurt any less valid.  It doesn't mean that on this day that we shouldn't exercise the same amount of respect for boundaries or care that we do on Mother's Day.

So, with that in mind, here is an open letter to my amazing husband, Branson, for Father's Day.

Dear Husba,

Happy Father's Day.  Today is about you.  To celebrate you and how amazing of a father you are to your daughter.  I see how much she loves you.  How you make her laugh.  I see your caring heart and giving ways in her - those qualities were instilled by you.  She loves you so much, and you have earned that love.  I am so lucky to be with a man who is so loving, giving, yet sets the necessary boundaries to make sure she grows up to be the wonderful young woman we know she will be.

It's a little awkward for me to wish you a Happy Father's Day.  In fact, it kind of hurts.  Because I'm not the one who made you a father.  I'm the woman who was lucky enough to be brought into your daughter's life and get to play a role in helping take care of her and raise her with you.

At the same time... you and I have embabies in heaven.  Five little angels that God called home very, very early.  I know you would have been just as amazing of a father to them as you are to your daughter.  They would have been lucky to have you as a dad, and one day I know they'll be excited to meet you.  For now, I know they're watching you with pride.

Thank you.  Thank you for being my rock during the rough times.  I know that you often felt completely left out of the process during our IVF cycles.  I know you felt like a bystander - helpless when all you wanted to do was help.  And you need to know that you just being by my side was exactly what I needed.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I often invalidated your feelings.  This process wasn't just about me.  It was about us.  But, because it was my body, a lot of the focus fell on me when in reality, I should have been focusing on you, too.  I'm sorry I didn't ask you more how you were doing.  I'm sorry you felt like you had to hide your tears to protect me when you were dying on the inside just like I was.  

Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable at times.  I know you didn't like it - that you preferred for me to think everything was fine.  But I could see you hurting, and when you express to me when and how you hurt, it makes me feel closer to you and like together we can heal.

You were always there to remind me it's about us.  That while you wanted a baby, me making you a father wasn't the reason you married me.  I know I'm stubborn and my brain hasn't fully processed this, but I know that you feel and believe this with 110% of your being.  I know you didn't marry me just so I could carry future children.

I am lucky.  I am lucky to call you my husband.  My best friend.   An incredible father to a beautiful child.  And who knows... maybe one day the father to a child of our own.

In the meantime, I promise to think about you more.  To check in with you and ask you how you're feeling about our infertility journey.  I know you're not going to come out and say how you feel, so I'm going to ask.  And it's your job to answer, because I'm you're wife, and I'll ask you a million times if you don't answer.  You've seen me do it.  You know I will keep pestering you.

Oh, the animals are lucky to have you, too.  Those 4-5am wake up calls to feed the cat I insisted on adopting while we were going through our October 2016 cycle.  I blame the hormones running through my body.

I love you with all of my heart.  Happy Father's Day, my love. 

Love,

Kristy

How it Feels to Go Through Infertility Part 1: As Told By Television's Parks and Recreation's Chris Traeger

I was going to wait to post this until National Infertility Awareness Week, which is coming up at the end of next month.  But, seeing as my mind needs a bit of a distraction (we are waiting on our Day 6 Update, which now won't happen until Monday - cue sad face), I'm just diving right in.

One of my biggest (and most helpful) coping mechanisms during this process has been humor.  There's absolutely nothing funny about infertility, but how you choose to respond to it can make a world of difference.  I have found that as time has worn on, the best way for me to survive has been finding humor where I can.

So, here is Part 1 of my series:

1.  When you meet with the fertility specialist the first time:

2.  How it feels after talking to the fertility specialist:

3.  How you want to respond to people when they ask when you're having children as you're trying to process all of the information you have been given on fertility treatment:

4.  When people try to give you supplement/nutritional advice (hint... if it's out there, we have probably already tried it.  We don't need to know your cousin's best friend's sister got pregnant after taking fish oil and standing on her head for 30 minutes every day):

5.  This is you.  Every.  Single.  Day.

6.  And  how you feel if you do make it through the day without crying:

7.  You have your therapist on speed dial:

8.  When someone tells you you're not pregnant because "It's God's Will" or "Maybe you're not meant to be parents":

9.  When someone who has never been through infertility tells you to "Just relax":

10.  When people are talking about pregnancies or babies around you:

I'll keep adding to the series this weekend.  In the meantime, fellow infertility warriors, know that we are here for you if you need support or prayers.  

Love,

Kristy 

Why You Won't Hear My Say "It Just Takes One"

You've gone through the preliminary bloodwork.  You know your AMH and FSH levels.  You know way more about the reproductive system than you ever thought you would.  High school health class?  Please.  College anatomy class?  Give me a break.  Neither of those equipped you with the knowledge you have now - months or years into your battle with infertility.

You have a container full of empty syringes and used needles from stims.  Your belly feels bloated, your mood is unpredictable, you're constantly uncomfortable, and you're counting down the days until the big egg retrieval.

Trigger shot day arrives and your stomach now has butterflies that somehow manage to fit in with the bloat.  Forget pants.  In fact, in one of your hormonal rages, you may consider burning any and all pants you own.

The day of egg retrieval comes.  You prepare for anesthesia.  You say a quick prayer that when you wake up, you have as many eggs as they counted follicles.  

Post-retrieval, you wake up in a daze - a bit confused and groggy.  Luckily, you have someone there not only to drive you home, but to take on the information given to you by the nurse or doctor.  And, if you're SUPER fortunate, your companion has recorded you while you come off of your anesthesia.  You hear the numbers... and later you try to process them because when you were told, your brain was foggy.

You're given the number of eggs retrieved and how many of those were mature.  You hope for a decent number.  Here's where things start getting difficult.

Maybe you were given a low number.  Immediately some level of panic sets in.  Maybe you were given a high number.  This may provide some relief to you, but not without at least a little bit of worry in the back of your mind.  And maybe the number you got was somewhere in-between.  Doesn't matter how many they tell you they retrieved, you feel a mix of excitement and anxiety.  Because this is just the first of several reports you will get.

The next day you hold your phone like a teenage girl waiting for a phone call from the cute boy in algebra.  You don't even go to the bathroom without it.  Each time it buzzes or rings, you nearly jump out of your skin.

Finally the clinic calls.  You have a new set of numbers.  Now you learn how many of your eggs fertilized.  In virtually all cases (I have yet to hear of a case where all eggs fertilized), your new set of numbers is smaller.  Your heart drops to your stomach with each report.  Number of eggs that fertilized.  Number that fertilized normally.  And finally, what you have to work with - for now.

And then you wait.  You wait until Day 3, in some cases Day 5, to hear your next number.  Again... your heart shatters as you learn that the number of viable embryos has once again dropped.  

In some cases, there are plenty that made it.  In others, there are just a handful - maybe 5 or so.  Or, maybe you have just one or two left.  And... sadly, there are cases where no embryos made it.  You have none left.  And it's over.  It's the end of this cycle and you feel lost.

Our first cycle we had 13 eggs retrieved.  I was hoping this meant we would have 6 embryos make it.  On my call after retrieval, I was told 6 were mature and one fertilized normally.  One.  But, I was assured, "all it takes is one".  Which is true.

During our second cycle, we had 17 eggs retrieved, 14 were mature, and two fertilized normally.  All it takes is one.

But both times... I was left with no viable embryos.  All three arrested on Day 5.  And just like that, it was over.

They say, "It just takes one".  It's true - you CAN get just one and have a successful cycle and pregnancy.  But - as I have experienced - just because you have one or even 10 fertilize does not mean you'll end up having one when it comes time to transfer.  And this is why I refuse to say "All it takes is one".

While "It just takes one" is meant to be words of hope and encouragement, I feel like it takes away from the loss that is experienced.  The heart-wrenching, gut-punching news you get - all within a week - of your numbers going down... and down... and down.  To me, it makes it feel as though I'm not allowed to be worried - that I'm not allowed to or supposed to grieve the loss of the ones that didn't make it.  Or the panicked feeling that come Day 5, I'll be left with no embryos.

Even if you make it to transfer... even if you make it to pregnancy... even if you have your baby on your first try using IVF or any other form of ART (assisted reproductive therapy)... none of that negates the losses you felt.  You're allowed to grieve those losses.  There's no shame in feeling sad about having only 3 embryos when you started with 10.  Just because you made it further than the woman who sat next to you in the RE's office doesn't mean that you have any less of a right to feel loss.

You won't hear me say, "It just takes one" when you share your report.  Instead, you'll hear this... "I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to hear those numbers go down... I will pray for you and that you get good news in the coming days."  Because I know the devastation and hurt.  I know the panic.  And I know that "It just takes one" brings no comfort to someone who has failed multiple cycles.

So... here's my prayer for you:

I pray God will bring peace to your heart.  That He will ease your anxieties.  I pray that you will have your answers sooner rather than later.  I pray that you have good news on the other end of the phone.  And if the news is not what you hoped?  I pray that you give yourself permission to grieve - no matter what.  Whether you're told you lost just two embryos or 10, I pray that you know that the tears you shed will be caught by a God that has not forgotten you (even though it feels like it).

Love,

Kristy