I feel like this blog should start with a disclaimer.
This post is not intended to offend anyone. I am going to try my hardest to address this topic from multiple angles - because I find it to be extremely complex. The topic of adoption can drudge up a slew of feelings from adoptees, adoptive parents, and those battling infertility. It is my hope that I have given this post thought for enough time to write it in a way sheds sheds light on an important and sensitive topic.
For those who have struggled with fertility, chances are at some point, a well-meaning person has brought up adoption.
"Have you thought about adoption?"
"You could always adopt."
"There is more than one way to grow your family..."
And the worst... "Why don't you just adopt?"
Let's first get what should be the glaringly obvious out of the way. Anyone who has struggled with infertility has likely considered ALL the possible options... including adoption. During our infertility struggles, we discussed adoption on multiple occasions. Please trust me when I say that asking if we thought about adoption is not a question that needs asked. And imploring those struggling with fertility issues to adopt... well, that's not much better. ESPECIALLY if you ask why we don't "just" adopt.
Now, I would like to share a bit of my personal backstory to help put into perspective why I have the stance I do when it comes to the topic of adoption as it relates to infertility. I hope it will create the necessary frame needed to understand where I'm coming from.
I'm an adoptee. I was adopted from South Korea as an 11 month old. My adoption was private and closed. I know very little about my biological parents. What I do know is my adoptive parents (henceforth referred to as my parents, because that is who they are) are incredible parents and I have two wonderful sisters. I grew up in a stable and loving home and was given opportunities I never would have had growing up in Korea with a single mother in a country that favors boys.
My biological father left when I was very young, 10 years my biological mother's elder. At some point, my biological mother, now single and just 18 or 19 years old, felt she could not care for me. She wanted more for me.
The other thing I know is that no matter how great my childhood may have been, no amount of unconditional love could prevent the deep-seeded abandonment issues, deep-rooted loss of feeling of security, and a deeply desperate desire for answers.
My parents struggled with fertility issues. For that reason, they chose to look into adoption. And after loads of paperwork, background checks, and waiting (and waiting... and waiting...), the outcome was me coming from Korea to America in January 1987.
At this point, I'd like to pause and look at my particular adoption story. Did you notice something?
My parents suffered through miscarriages.
My biological mom lost her daughter.
I lost my biological parents.
That's three major losses suffered by four different individuals. And I'd put money on the fact that this is the case for the majority of adoption cases - the adoptive parent or parents, the biological parent(s), and the adopted child(ren) have all experienced loss.
So what am I trying to say? Part of what i'm trying to get across is that adoption isn't a case of adoptive parents rescuing some poor orphan. It is not NEARLY that simple. (Sidebar - for the love of Pete, please never say to an adoptive parent that their child is "lucky" to have them. That goes double for saying it in front of or to the child Absolutely nothing is "lucky" when it comes to adoption. Just... don't.) When you flippantly suggest someone adopt, you're failing to recognize the utter heartbreak that is involved.
Time to tie this back into the struggle of making the decision to adopt that those who are experiencing infertility.
When I read articles on topics like IVF, the comments that make me the MOST angry are the ones that say anyone struggle with infertility should adopt because there are so many children who need homes. Is the fact there are many children who need homes false? No. But does that make it the responsibility of those struggling to have biological children? Absolutely not.
There's this weird stigma that I have observed that I can't wrap my mind around. The idea that it's somehow selfish to want biological children. After all, remember all of those children who need adopted? It's as though parts of society shun the idea of reproductive therapy when there are children who need parents. Why bring more children into our already overpopulated world?
There is nothing wrong or selfish about wanting biological children. (Conversely, there's nothing wrong with not wanting children... but that topic alone could take up an entire blog post). It's a natural animal (yes, we are animals) instinct - to continue our bloodline. And if a couple has tried and tried and tried to bring a child into the world, it's hard-wired into our genes.
This next bit isn't really easy for me to write. There are very few people who I have verbally expressed this to, but I'm hoping my perspective will give well-meaning individuals something to consider before they suggest adoption.
I'm an infertile adoptee who has (after multiple discussions with my husband) decided that adoption is not for me. My personal story plays heavily into this decision. I know it seems backwards... as an adoptee, why wouldn't I want to turn around and do the same?
Because I have seen and experienced the realities of adoption first-hand. I remember what I put my parents through. I remember how hard I struggled with my identity and self-worth. As an adult, I'm still working through my identity, self-worth, abandonment issues, and attachment issues. I have come a long way, but it has taken multiple years and therapists to get me to where I am today.
After years of wanting nothing more than to be called "mom", I know that if we adopt, there's a chance I'll be told "you're not my real mom". There will be questions about the biological parents. Questions that are natural and valid. Questions that are inevitable. I know because I asked questions. No matter how good of a life we provide, the desire for answers and a sense of closure will always exist. I know myself. And I know that there is no way after the pain and loss from a more than 5 year period of time I can handle taking on those questions. Not only that, I am being honest with myself and recognize that these questions will not only hurt as a reminder that if I adopt, I still didn't get to experience pregnancy. I don't get to look down and see my eyes or nose combined with my husband's smile and hair. Wounds that have taken years to heal would be ripped open. It's just not for me.
That's MY reason. But, to be honest, no one owes others an explanation as to why they would choose not to adopt. To anyone struggling with infertility who has heard the adoption suggestion or question over and over again... you do NOT have to share your reason unless you WANT to. Whatever your reason may be, I know it has been a topic that has weighed heavily on your heart many times. I have been there. And for some time, I felt guilty about the fact that it's not for me.
For the sake of what may be your curiosity as to why a couple would choose not to adopt, let me share a few other potential explanations.
If someone has seen negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, experienced miscarriage or child loss, and/or has had reproductive therapy fail - that person has already been through the emotional (and potentially financial) ringer. There was a dream. And that dream was shattered.
Adoption isn't a simple solution by any means. And for couples who have already suffered disappointment, going through the adoption process does not guarantee that the process will be smooth. There is no guarantee that it will result in immediate placement. The biological mother could always change her mind. Another member of the child's family may step in. Many cases require fostering before adoption. In those instances, multiple court dates are typically involved. For a couple that has already experienced waiting and waiting only to have the rug pulled out from under them again, the prospect of adopting can be terrifying.
And none of that takes into account the financial aspect of adoption, the home studies, Some couples don't have the financial resources to begin with. Others may have already tapped out their financials undergoing fertility treatment.
Please do not misunderstand me. I think adoption is an absolutely beautiful and wonderful way to grow a family. I have my family because of adoption. I know and love families that have grown through adoption. But, for all of us... I am aware of the heartbreak that is there. Adoption is NOT a cure for infertility.
Adoption is wonderful, but it is not for everyone. And there is nothing wrong with that. Those who think otherwise have probably not been through the trenches of infertility, and I can understand why. It's hard to grasp the full magnitude of something you haven't experienced.
If you know someone struggling with infertility... please stop bringing up adoption.
If it gets brought up will we disown you or yell? Probably not. Will we feel jolted and shaken and possibly burst into tears after we part ways? Probably. Will we gently correct you? Maybe. While it may be a legitimate question, it's not a very supportive question.
The next time you want to ask about adoption? Try asking how you can support that person instead. It will make a world of difference.
Love,
The Infertile Adoptee
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