Since saying goodbye to Facebook, I had wondered just how far the reach of my posts will really go. And while this blog started out as support for infertility, of all the posts I have written, I hope this one reaches the most people.
This one is dedicated to my Grandma Maag. Someone who I wish I could describe in words. It wasn't until I knew I would never see her again in my earthly body that I fully appreciated how much she meant to me... and how much I feel as though I have let her down.
I was the odd duck in my family - I moved away. But, my grandma would occasionally send me these notes - just to let me know she was thinking about me.
Over the years, I collected these notes and cards. I loved seeing my grandma's handwriting. I'm grateful I have a piece of that - a piece of her - to keep forever.
I kept telling myself I wanted to write grandma a note. But, I worried she wouldn't understand. I was afraid she wouldn't know who I was. I worried it would have been a nuisance. My deepest regret now that my grandma is gone is that I never sent that note.
So here it goes - something that has been on my heart and that has been challenged to me to write a note to someone in honor of my grandma. And that person I have chosen is the very woman who has inspired me in ways yet to be seen.
Dear Grandma,
I can't believe more than a week ago we got the call here in our home to let us know God had called you home. I could sense it coming for probably a month. I know you could sense it coming, too. I so wish I could have been by your side. I know people told me your body was there, but you weren't the same grandma I remember. But I wish I would have been there so you could have felt my love along with everyone else's. Grandma...I hope you know how fiercely you were loved by us.
I still feel in a daze. Moments after I found out you were gone, I started frantically searching for my memories I know I have of you. I was able to find a couple of notes. I found a watch from our boat trip in Iowa. I can't remember what color you got, but I know we both got watches that day. I found the wallet you bought me in Italy - with a single dollar bill in it on which you wrote, "Keep Me and You'll Never Be Broke.". I never fully appreciated the life lessons you were teaching me - not to mention your sense of humor.
I feel guilty that you never got to know the little very well. But, she knew you. And in one of the goofiest of ways. You remember that thing you did at restaurants with the napkin? The three different characters? I taught that to the little years ago. And she still does it. We all still do it. And it still makes us laugh.
As I write this, I wear the ring you gave to me. I couldn't wear it for awhile because I burned the bejeezus out of my finger, but it's back on, now. I remember when I got the note from you while I was in college asking if I would like it as a graduation gift. I was siting in an office doing my work for the residence hall I worked for.
Remember when we went to Europe and I tried to sleep in the tub because of your snoring? I think this was probably pre-CPAP. But, I would give anything to hear your snores again.
Grandma...I know you were in so much pain. And I learned you were in so much more pain than I ever realized. My heart breaks... because my body also wants to just give up a lot of days and I know I have begged God to take me.
I wish I could have been to you on this earth what your notes and letters were to me. I wish I could have helped you more.
I have so many happy memories with you - and a lot of them are random, but they're some of my favorites. Like, eating Cracklin' Oat Bran at your house. I'm pretty sure that's crappy for our bodies, but I think I'm going to get a box and have some in your memory.
I remember when you out of the blue asked me to go on a very short trip with you - a bus trip that had a stop in Peoria, so I joined you there. I wondered if it was something I should do - taking time off of work was difficult for me. But I knew even then that this would be the last chance I had to do this with you. My last trip with my LOL.
I remember after church service one Sunday you asked me if I wanted to go see Aida at the Fox. Grandma - to this day, that is one of my favorite musicals. I even purchased the soundtrack.
Going to the Muny with you inspired me to want to sing and act. I wanted to be on stage one day. And one of the letters I found was you encouraging me to pursue it.
I feel like I'm a rambling mess. I have so much on my mind and in my heart. The biggest and heaviest of which is how much I miss you and how many incredible memories I have with you.
I'm forever proud to be your favorite Raven-haired grandchild.
I love you, Grandma.
Kristy
"There was a little old lady who lived in a little old house..."
I asked my grandma after one of our losses how she maintained her faith after everything she endured. Losing her husband. Battling breast cancer. Losing her son. I figured if anyone would have that answer, she would. I wish I could recite exactly what she said. All I know is I was left in awe that despite it all, my grandma was telling me to continue to have faith in Him and trust His plan. I don't know that I've ever talked about that moment I had with my grandma.
Loss is a terrible thing. It sucks. It hurts. It can be paralyzing. But, it can kick us in the right direction. So here is my challenge to you, as I think my grandma has challenged me for the time I was ready to trust in His plan.
Write the note.
Audition for the show.
Make the phone call.
Pursue your calling.
Give back to your community.
Have faith with it seems like faith is the furthest possible thing.
Love fiercely.
Go on the vacation.
Take the time to have the experiences you want.
Even if you just pick one of this list... I hope you do. And I hope you share your experience with others.
Love,
K
No comments:
Post a Comment