So... weird lady on the blogosphere... what's with these pictures??? I'll explain at the end. But first... a little back story.
It happened so slowly I didn't fully recognize it. In fact, looking back, it has a lot of frightening similarities to an abusive relationship I was in years ago.
What started out as a medical diagnosis morphed into something just as frightening - a very real threat to my marriage.
Branson and I met in 2010. At the time, we were just two people who knew each other through mutual friends. After two years of him pursuing me (and me being blind to it), I finally wised up and realized that THIS MAN is someone special. That he was what my heart had been looking for. We were head over heels in love. Being together was easy - we come from similar upbringings, have the same taste in most music and television, both have a passion for performing, and he puts up with my quirky personality and... let's just call them Kristy-isms.
I can't pinpoint a date or time it happened. But it did. We started growing apart. I didn't want to talk to him. I knew I was isolating myself from my friends and family, but I didn't realize how much I was isolating myself from my husband.
I would let things build up - emotions, fears, anger, frustration. Then, for some stupid reason like a dirty sock or something being out of place, I would completely spaz out and then EVERYTHING came pouring out of me like white hot lava. Tears I had been holding back or hiding, anger I had been bottling up. And not just anger - an anger I couldn't really place.
I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to talk about my feelings when he asked, I didn't want to be seen.
I was no longer in a relationship with my husband. Yes, I still loved him and he still loved me. Yes, we still had great times together every now and then. But for the most part, we were two people living in the same house going through the motions. No, my husband and I were no longer in a relationship, because I didn't feel like a wife.
I allowed infertility to reduce me to a shell of a human being. Key word there - I. ME. I allowed it to define me, to define us, and to define our marriage.
It wasn't until I wrote the blog posts about the Journey Pendant and the Open Letter to the Children I Never Met that the floodgates opened and I had a major "aha" moment. It felt like we were US again. Because finally I put into words EXACTLY how I was feeling - and, more importantly, I recognized my husband's feelings.
Infertility, failed cycles, miscarriages, other family tragedies... these can ALL take a huge toll on a marriage. It did on ours, and I thought our marriage was very solid. (It is, but at times it didn't feel like it). Infertility takes an emotional and financial toll on couples. And I'm lucky - both of us were on the same page about what we wanted. Not all couples are. I recall being in a seminar once where the husband seemed less than thrilled to be there. I'll never forget the look on the woman's face - crushed, heartbroken, confused, frustrated - I could see it all. And my heart hurt for her.
Before you read what I have to say next... here's a disclaimer. I'm not a marriage expert by any means. I'm not trained in psychology or counseling or anything along those lines. These are just pieces of advice I have learned (or had read previously and have now officially confirmed to be scientific fact)
Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong Through Infertility:
1. Communicate. This is true for any relationship or any marriage. But it's even more critical when going through infertility. Talk about your feelings in real time. Don't let them stay stuffed down. Ultimately it will lead to a fight over something stupid and trivial that on a normal day wouldn't bother you one bit.
2. Understand why your husband won't talk to you about it. Men are fixers. They see us broken. Or maybe they look at us like a Lego set. But one of the key pieces is missing. And that is frustrating to them. Recognize that men and women grieve differently, and just because your man doesn't appear to be sad does not mean that he isn't... (he is).
3. Set aside time for you. Once upon a time, you were acting like giggling junior high kids on a movie date. Adulting is no fun. And infertility means you're not only adulting, but you're now adulting with additional stress and major financial decisions. Whether it's cooking for each other once a month, going to a special place, having a picnic... make it about YOU. Not the infertility. Not any other family members. YOU and your SPOUSE. Because without the two of you being solid, you aren't going to make it.
4. Know there ARE going to be fights and stressful periods and IT'S OK! Start to learn your triggers and learn when you need to take time to cool down so you don't say something you regret (GUILTY!). Maybe have a safe word (they're not just for the bedroom!). Bonus points if you make it phallic (i.e. Banana, Cucumber...)
5. Decide in the BEGINNING how far you are willing to go with treatment. Obviously both of your feelings may change. For example, I was CONVINCED if the first cycle failed I would die of heartbreak. Well, here I am, two failed cycles later, and I'm still alive. It's expensive and you both need to be on the same page about how much you're willing to spend, what you're willing to give up, etc. There is so much to take into consideration - that's a whole blog post in itself. You both have to want it and both have to be on board with whatever decision is made. If you're not, it will cause extra friction in an already static situation (see what I did there? #sciencejoke)
6. Start something new together. A new tradition. A new hobby. Something that's about the couple, not about the end of the journey.
7. Remember WHY you're together. I married my husband because he's loaded... with funny jokes. You obviously are together for a reason. And while yes, a baby is your dream, your desire, your hope... that beautiful rainbow at the end of your storm would not be possible without the TWO of you.
8. If you are really struggling, seek counseling. It's important for BOTH of you to have someone to talk to individually, whether it's a professional or a close friend. Counseling helps get things out in the open where it needs to be. And even if you're not struggling, it's still a great idea. Emotions run high, especially when on fertility medications.
Not all couples make it. But I hope and I pray that if you're reading this, you do and you will. I nearly let infertility destroy my marriage and other relationships in my life. Don't let infertility or your infertility diagnosis become your new partner. It does not define you or your relationship. Allow it instead to strengthen your relationship (easier said than done).
So... here's the weird lady on the blogosphere finally answering "what's with the pictures".
I found out a friend of mine from High School was doing mini-holiday sessions in my hometown the weekend we were going to be there for my nephew's birthday.
I struggled with this a little because I have a beautiful bonus daughter, and I felt horrible for not including her, but at the same time, I wanted something of just US. Sort of an engagement session 2.0. US - reconnecting, remembering, celebrating why we love each other and having that captured. Lately, our focus has been on pretty much everything BUT us - the two people who stood in front of God, family and friends and promised to love and care for each other until death do us part. So, while it wasn't an easy decision, we decided that this session was about us - no distractions. We had family photos done last year, and I imagine that will be an every other year occurrence.
These pictures have additional special meaning to me for a couple of reasons. First, it was about us. Branson and Kristy. It wasn't about our infertility. It was about the couple that fell in love and got married more than 3 years ago. We were taking time to reconnect and celebrate our love for each other as husband and wife. Second, these pictures were taken in my hometown. Where I grew up. A park I had picnics and other events with my family. Our engagement and wedding photos and even our family session with the little and Louie were taken in the Peoria area.
Thank you so much to Kyle and his assistant at Forte Photography & Cinema for capturing these moments. I looked very closely at some of them and just looking at them I can feel the emotion I felt that day and still feel. The happiness. The love. The excitement. And even some of the sadness.
Keep fighting. Keep fighting for your dream of growing your family. But most importantly, keep fighting for your love for each other.
Love,
Kristy
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