In other words, an infertile woman's yearly WTF, God?!?
Before you get offended by this, hear me out. Here's a woman who wasn't planning on being pregnant, yet was CHOSEN by GOD HIMSELF to carry our Christ and Savior.
Yet here we are... practically BEGGING God to bless us with a child... and getting seemingly nowhere.
Every Christmas up until this year, that's how I felt. I halfway jokingly begrudged Christmas because God blessed Mary with a baby and here I am, still waiting for him to answer our prayers.
Here's a fun flashback photo for you. This was from a Madrigal Dinner when I was in High School. Babies were the furthest thing from my mind. The song I sang as my solo that year? "Breath of Heaven". Easily one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.
It's such a beautiful song. If you're not familiar with it, I recommend you listen to it. If you don't care to listen to it or can't at this moment, this is a song from Mary's perspective, asking God WHY he chose her, asking for strength, guidance, and the ability to understand His decision.
Tonight, on my way home from a wonderful evening with the little and some great friends of ours, this song came on the radio. We almost always have the Christian radio station on in the car. The little heard the intro music and said, "This is my favorite song." So, I turned it up. We both sang along.
The words have always moved me. But tonight, they struck me me differently. I viewed Mary's story in a way than I have not in the past.
You see, in previous years this song has stuck with me because I put myself in Mary's shoes... trying to imagine how frightening it must have been to be given this task. To carry Christ's child. To be obedient to God. Feeling isolated, scared, and alone. Yet she continued to ask God to help hold her together, to be near her.
I fought back tears because I hate crying in front of the little. And, in this situation, I didn't want to have to explain why I was crying. We did not tell her about the failed cycle and don't plan to do so.
Tonight I realized that my journey, while different, is similar to Mary's. Minus the whole being pregnant bit.
Like Mary, I feel isolated, scared, and alone. Not because I don't have incredible support (I do), but because it's just the nature of infertility. I'm asking God why - Mary asked God why. Mary was frightened - I am frightened. I am weary - Mary was weary. Mary wondered what she has done - I wonder what I have done.
I could go on and on. Please recognize and know that not everyone, myself included, feels convicted in Christ throughout their journey through infertility. There are times I'm still questioning God, when I'm angry with him, when I shake my fist and stomp my feet and practically scream to the heavens that this is UNFAIR. But in beautiful moments like tonight, I realize that God has a mysterious way of working in our lives.
What if Mary hadn't been obedient to God? What if she said, "You know what? Forget this... thanks, but no thanks".
How many times have we felt this way? I'm not just talking to those battling infertility. How many times have we questions God's motives? Guilty here. But, Mary and Joseph - even if at times they felt terrified and perhaps even reluctant - obeyed God's will and plan. They trusted in Him. And because they did, Christ came to this earth and died for our sins.
And tonight, I feel called to share that conviction I felt. I don't have to understand God's plan right now. It may be months or even year's before I do. During that time, I may become a lost soul, exhausted from feeling like He is constantly telling me no. Frustrated that my tears and heartache and prayers fall on deaf ears.
I'm not saying my infertility is anywhere near comparable to Christ's story. To the miraculous gift God gave, to the sacrifices that Mary and Joseph made. What I'm trying to say is... tonight I understand.
I'm going to say something that my Christian friends may not agree with. If you're struggling and you're mad at God and feel angry and unheard and resentful and like your faith has dropped tenfold... it's ok. The last thing you need during your time of grief is more grief and guilt. But know that God is still there. He's waiting for you to come back. He wants you to come back. But I'm not here to push you to that point. As someone who has been there, it took ME on MY TERMS to get where I'm at today on my faith journey.
If you're even slightly open to this... I encourage you to read it, ok? Just a little prayer I have for you that I hope will bring you comfort and maybe nudge you a little bit closer to Christ during your period of doubt.
Heavenly Father, tonight she hurts. Her heart aches. For weeks now, she has walked past aisles of toys intended for children, past the racks of "Baby's First Christmas" onesies and ornaments and stockings. She has seen the children in the mall waiting with awe and wonder to see Santa and the excited parents snapping pictures and adjusting hair bows and tiny bow ties. She has shopped for her nieces and nephews. And as she does, she hold back tears. Her heart breaks with each giggle she hears from the children at the school program she went to for a family member. Each exclamation from a child yelling, "MOMMY!" is like a dagger in her heart. She yearns for the day she will be buying a "Baby's First Christmas" stocking and is fearful she will never get to experience this for herself. She is broken. So broken she isn't even sure how to turn to You.
Tonight I ask that you tug on her heartstrings. That you send her a small, significant message meant just for her to reminder her that you're still here, waiting anxiously for her to return. Validate her pain, but remind her that Faith, Hope, Peace, Love and the birth of our Savior are the reasons we celebrate this time of year and that those things will remain steadfast.
You are the God of miracles. I pray that one day, your miracles - whatever form they may take - will be clear to those women who are feeling so broken this Christmas.
Amen
Love,
Kristy
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