Baby Jesus and Infertility

Christmas.  The time of year we celebrate the birth of a baby that was (1) not planned and (2) born of a virgin.

In other words, an infertile woman's yearly WTF, God?!?

Before you get offended by this, hear me out.  Here's a woman who wasn't planning on being pregnant, yet was CHOSEN by GOD HIMSELF to carry our Christ and Savior.  

Yet here we are... practically BEGGING God to bless us with a child... and getting seemingly nowhere.

Every Christmas up until this year, that's how I felt.  I halfway jokingly begrudged Christmas because God blessed Mary with a baby and here I am, still waiting for him to answer our prayers.

Here's a fun flashback photo for you.  This was from a Madrigal Dinner when I was in High School.  Babies were the furthest thing from my mind.  The song I sang as my solo that year?  "Breath of Heaven".  Easily one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  

It's such a beautiful song.  If you're not familiar with it, I recommend you listen to it.  If you don't care to listen to it or can't at this moment, this is a song from Mary's perspective, asking God WHY he chose her, asking for strength, guidance, and the ability to understand His decision.

Tonight, on my way home from a wonderful evening with the little and some great friends of ours, this song came on the radio.  We almost always have the Christian radio station on in the car.  The little heard the intro music and said, "This is my favorite song."  So, I turned it up.  We both sang along.

The words have always moved me.  But tonight, they struck me me differently.  I viewed Mary's story in a way than I have not in the past.

You see, in previous years this song has stuck with me because I put myself in Mary's shoes... trying to imagine how frightening it must have been to be given this task.  To carry Christ's child. To be obedient to God.  Feeling isolated, scared, and alone. Yet she continued to ask God to help hold her together, to be near her.

I fought back tears because I hate crying in front of the little. And, in this situation, I didn't want to have to explain why I was crying.  We did not tell her about the failed cycle and don't plan to do so.

Tonight I realized that my journey, while different, is similar to Mary's.  Minus the whole being pregnant bit.

Like Mary, I feel isolated, scared, and alone.  Not because I don't have incredible support (I do), but because it's just the nature of infertility.  I'm asking God why - Mary asked God why.  Mary was frightened - I am frightened.  I am weary - Mary was weary.  Mary wondered what she has done - I wonder what I have done.

I could go on and on.  Please recognize and know that not everyone, myself included, feels convicted in Christ throughout their journey through infertility.  There are times I'm still questioning God, when I'm angry with him, when I shake my fist and stomp my feet and practically scream to the heavens that this is UNFAIR.  But in beautiful moments like tonight, I realize that God has a mysterious way of working in our lives.  

What if Mary hadn't been obedient to God?  What if she said, "You know what?  Forget this... thanks, but no thanks".  

How many times have we felt this way?  I'm not just talking to those battling infertility.  How many times have we questions God's motives?  Guilty here.  But, Mary and Joseph - even if at times they felt terrified and perhaps even reluctant - obeyed God's will and plan.  They trusted in Him. And because they did, Christ came to this earth and died for our sins.

And tonight, I feel called to share that conviction I felt.  I don't have to understand God's plan right now.  It may be months or even year's before I do.  During that time, I may become a lost soul, exhausted from feeling like He is constantly telling me no.  Frustrated that my tears and heartache and prayers fall on deaf ears.

I'm not saying my infertility is anywhere near comparable to Christ's story.  To the miraculous gift God gave, to the sacrifices that Mary and Joseph made.  What I'm trying to say is... tonight I understand. 

I'm going to say something that my Christian friends may not agree with.  If you're struggling and you're mad at God and feel angry and unheard and resentful and like your faith has dropped tenfold... it's ok.  The last thing you need during your time of grief is more grief and guilt.  But know that God is still there.  He's waiting for you to come back.  He wants you to come back.  But I'm not here to push you to that point.  As someone who has been there, it took ME on MY TERMS to get where I'm at today on my faith journey.

If you're even slightly open to this... I encourage you to read it, ok? Just a little prayer I have for you that I hope will bring you comfort and maybe nudge you a little bit closer to Christ during your period of doubt.

Heavenly Father, tonight she hurts.  Her heart aches.  For weeks now, she has walked past aisles of toys intended for children, past the racks of "Baby's First Christmas" onesies and ornaments and stockings.  She has seen the children in the mall waiting with awe and wonder to see Santa and the excited parents snapping pictures and adjusting hair bows and tiny bow ties.  She has shopped for her nieces and nephews.  And as she does, she hold back tears.  Her heart breaks with each giggle she hears from the children at the school program she went to for a family member.  Each exclamation from a child yelling, "MOMMY!" is like a dagger in her heart.  She yearns for the day she will be buying a "Baby's First Christmas" stocking and is fearful she will never get to experience this for herself.  She is broken.  So broken she isn't even sure how to turn to You.

Tonight I ask that you tug on her heartstrings.  That you send her a small, significant message meant just for her to reminder her that you're still here, waiting anxiously for her to return.  Validate her pain, but remind her that Faith, Hope, Peace, Love and the birth of our Savior are the reasons we celebrate this time of year and that those things will remain steadfast.

You are the God of miracles.  I pray that one day, your miracles - whatever form they may take - will be clear to those women who are feeling so broken this Christmas.

Amen

Love, 

Kristy

More Than Just The Inability to Have Children Part 1: Infertility as a Homewrecker

So... weird lady on the blogosphere... what's with these pictures???  I'll explain at the end.  But first... a little back story.

It happened so slowly I didn't fully recognize it.  In fact, looking back, it has a lot of frightening similarities to an abusive relationship I was in years ago.

What started out as a medical diagnosis morphed into something just as frightening - a very real threat to my marriage.

Branson and I met in 2010.  At the time, we were just two people who knew each other through mutual friends.  After two years of him pursuing me (and me being blind to it), I finally wised up and realized that THIS MAN is someone special.  That he was what my heart had been looking for. We were head over heels in love.  Being together was easy - we come from similar upbringings, have the same taste in most music and television, both have a passion for performing, and he puts up with my quirky personality and... let's just call them Kristy-isms.  

I can't pinpoint a date or time it happened.  But it did.  We started growing apart.  I didn't want to talk to him.  I knew I was isolating myself from my friends and family, but I didn't realize how much I was isolating myself from my husband.

I would let things build up - emotions, fears, anger, frustration.  Then, for some stupid reason like a dirty sock or something being out of place, I would completely spaz out and then EVERYTHING came pouring out of me like white hot lava.  Tears I had been holding back or hiding, anger I had been bottling up.  And not just anger - an anger I couldn't really place.

I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want to talk about my feelings when he asked, I didn't want to be seen.

I was no longer in a relationship with my husband.  Yes, I still loved him and he still loved me.  Yes, we still had great times together every now and then.  But for the most part, we were two people living in the same house going through the motions.  No, my husband and I were no longer in a relationship, because I didn't feel like a wife.

I allowed infertility to reduce me to a shell of a human being. Key word there - I.  ME.  I allowed it to define me, to define us, and to define our marriage.

It wasn't until I wrote the blog posts about the Journey Pendant and the Open Letter to the Children I Never Met that the floodgates opened and I had a major "aha" moment. It felt like we were US again.  Because finally I put into words EXACTLY how I was feeling - and, more importantly, I recognized my husband's feelings.

Infertility, failed cycles, miscarriages, other family tragedies... these can ALL take a huge toll on a marriage.  It did on ours, and I thought our marriage was very solid.  (It is, but at times it didn't feel like it).  Infertility takes an emotional and financial toll on couples.  And I'm lucky - both of us were on the same page about what we wanted.  Not all couples are.  I recall being in a seminar once where the husband seemed less than thrilled to be there.  I'll never forget the look on the woman's face - crushed, heartbroken, confused, frustrated - I could see it all.  And my heart hurt for her.

Before you read what I have to say next... here's a disclaimer.  I'm not a marriage expert by any means.  I'm not trained in psychology or counseling or anything along those lines.  These are just pieces of advice I have learned (or had read previously and have now officially confirmed to be scientific fact)

Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong Through Infertility:

1.  Communicate.  This is true for any relationship or any marriage.  But it's even more critical when going through infertility. Talk about your feelings in real time.  Don't let them stay stuffed down.  Ultimately it will lead to a fight over something stupid and trivial that on a normal day wouldn't bother you one bit.

2.  Understand why your husband won't talk to you about it.  Men are fixers.  They see us broken.  Or maybe they look at us like a Lego set.  But one of the key pieces is missing.  And that is frustrating to them.  Recognize that men and women grieve differently, and just because your man doesn't appear to be sad does not mean that he isn't... (he is).

3.  Set aside time for you.  Once upon a time, you were acting like giggling junior high kids on a movie date.  Adulting is no fun.  And infertility means you're not only adulting, but you're now adulting with additional stress and major financial decisions.  Whether it's cooking for each other once a month, going to a special place, having a picnic... make it about YOU.  Not the infertility.  Not any other family members.  YOU and your SPOUSE.  Because without the two of you being solid, you aren't going to make it.

4.  Know there ARE going to be fights and stressful periods and IT'S OK!  Start to learn your triggers and learn when you need to take time to cool down so you don't say something you regret (GUILTY!).  Maybe have a safe word (they're not just for the bedroom!).  Bonus points if you make it phallic (i.e. Banana, Cucumber...)

5.  Decide in the BEGINNING how far you are willing to go with treatment.  Obviously both of your feelings may change.  For example, I was CONVINCED if the first cycle failed I would die of heartbreak.  Well, here I am, two failed cycles later, and I'm still alive.  It's expensive and you both need to be on the same page about how much you're willing to spend, what you're willing to give up, etc.  There is so much to take into consideration - that's a whole blog post in itself.  You both have to want it and both have to be on board with whatever decision is made.  If you're not, it will cause extra friction in an already static situation (see what I did there? #sciencejoke)

6.  Start something new together.  A new tradition.  A new hobby.  Something that's about the couple, not about the end of the journey.

7.  Remember WHY you're together.  I married my husband because he's loaded... with funny jokes.  You obviously are together for a reason.  And while yes, a baby is your dream, your desire, your hope... that beautiful rainbow at the end of your storm would not be possible without the TWO of you.

8.  If you are really struggling, seek counseling.  It's important for BOTH of you to have someone to talk to individually, whether it's a professional or a close friend.  Counseling helps get things out in the open where it needs to be.  And even if you're not struggling, it's still a great idea. Emotions run high, especially when on fertility medications.

Not all couples make it.  But I hope and I pray that if you're reading this, you do and you will.  I nearly let infertility destroy my marriage and other relationships in my life.  Don't let infertility or your infertility diagnosis become your new partner.  It does not define you or your relationship.  Allow it instead to strengthen your relationship (easier said than done).

So... here's the weird lady on the blogosphere finally answering "what's with the pictures".

I found out a friend of mine from High School was doing mini-holiday sessions in my hometown the weekend we were going to be there for my nephew's birthday.  

I struggled with this a little because I have a beautiful bonus daughter, and I felt horrible for not including her, but at the same time, I wanted something of just US.  Sort of an engagement session 2.0.  US - reconnecting, remembering, celebrating why we love each other and having that captured.  Lately, our focus has been on pretty much everything BUT us - the two people who stood in front of God, family and friends and promised to love and care for each other until death do us part.  So, while it wasn't an easy decision, we decided that this session was about us - no distractions.  We had family photos done last year, and I imagine that will be an every other year occurrence.

These pictures have additional special meaning to me for a couple of reasons.  First, it was about us.  Branson and Kristy.  It wasn't about our infertility.  It was about the couple that fell in love and got married more than 3 years ago.  We were taking time to reconnect and celebrate our love for each other as husband and wife.  Second, these pictures were taken in my hometown.  Where I grew up.  A park I had picnics and other events with my family.  Our engagement and wedding photos and even our family session with the little and Louie were taken in the Peoria area.  

Thank you so much to Kyle and his assistant at Forte Photography & Cinema for capturing these moments.  I looked very closely at some of them and just looking at them I can feel the emotion I felt that day and still feel.  The happiness.  The love.  The excitement.  And even some of the sadness.   

Keep fighting.  Keep fighting for your dream of growing your family.  But most importantly, keep fighting for your love for each other.

Love,

Kristy

I Still Believe in Miracles

 

I can't help but be in complete awe watching our embryos.  Just a glimpse of life as it begins... and in our case, ends.

Twelve beautiful chances at life... twelve reasons to be thankful... twelve potential lives, some gone within hours.

What you're looking at is our Embryoscope.  Something our clinic, MCRM (Missouri Center for Reproductive Medicine) offers for an additional cost to their patients.

Our embryos never left the incubator.  You're seeing a time-lapsed video of the many photos they were able to take of our beautiful babies from the point of fertilization all the way to Day 5.

I am so grateful we chose to do the Embryoscope program.  I would recommend this program to anyone going through IVF, however, it's not a program many clinics offer.

Why did we chose to do Embryoscope? 

1.  We wanted to see our babies.  Our first cycle, we never saw a picture.  I think this made it harder to grieve when the cycle failed.

2.  We knew a failed cycle was a possibility.  We thought the Embryoscope program would allow us to have a better idea (well, the doctors) should things go wrong, where they went wrong.

3.  If it succeeded, we thought it would be an amazing piece of their life to have.  IVF is a part of the baby's journey.  Part of our journey.  To have it captured in this way... incredible isn't a strong enough word.

4.  It's safer for the embryos.  Without this program, they would need to be taken out of the incubator at certain points to monitor growth.  While the environment is sterile and safe, any extra precautions we could take were going to.

I feel a sense of closure I don't think I would have had if we hadn't done this program.  Life is precious and beautiful.  This video proves it.  

 

I wish I had more poignant things to say this evening, but I don't.  All I have are these videos.  I pride myself on speaking from the heart, and lately my heart feels pretty plugged up.  So I'm not going to sit here and pretend I have something earth-shatteringly beautiful to say when I don't.

I just wanted to share our babies with you.  Call me crazy for calling them our babies, that's ok.  But, they are our babies and always will be.

Here's a look at the three that made it the furthest.  It's still crazy to me that we are able to see this - literally life beginning before our eyes. 

I still believe miracles happen.  Ours is just still in the making.

Love,

Kristy

An Open Letter to The Children I Never Met

If you'd like a little bit if our backstory, click here.  It's far from the full story, but I can't sleep and I think it's because this is weighing so heavily on my heart.

An Open Letter to the Children I Never Met

Hello, sweet angel.  You probably don't know who I am, as we never really met.  I never carried you inside of me.  But I know you.  I knew you came into the world on March 12th, 2015.  You were the only one who made it.  I'll admit.  I was scared for you.  Because you were it!  THE one.  Of 6 potential babies, you were the only one who made it.  But I was also hopeful for you.  I felt in my heart you were a fighter.  I loved you from the moment I found out you existed.  You want to know your nickname?  It was Nemo.  You were our Nemo.  Before I even knew you existed, I started making plans for you.  Your nursery was going to be Peanuts themed, with an emphasis on Snoopy.  I bought a Snoopy special for your room and secretly pinned Snoopy-themed bedding, mobiles and other items on a Pinterest board only I could see.  Your daddy and I were already discussing names.  I was giving your daddy a hard time about what I pictured you would look like - his beautiful bright blue eyes, my thick, black hair.  A perfect mixture of the two of us.  

I imagined in my head the ways we would surprise your sister.  True, by blood, she would be your half sister, but a sister nonetheless.  She knew of our plans for you.  She wanted you, too.  We couldn't wait to include her in the plans, discussing which appointment she could come to where she could meet the doctor that helped make the miracle of you possible.  An appointment for her to hear your heartbeat and see you the first time.  Shopping trips together to help pick out clothes for you.  


On your third day in this world, I found out you were still fighting.  You were our bright star,  just as I was my parent's bright star.  Your daddy and I waited with baited breath at the church in my hometown while your cousin was getting baptized.  I got the call just before the service started and broke down in tears of joy.  I told your daddy, MiMi and Papa, Aunts, great aunts, great grandmas, and other important people in your life that you were fighting, and that in just two short days I would be carrying you in my belly.

On March 17th, 2015, I was preparing for you to be transferred to me - my first contact with you.  But I got a call from the nurse.  A call I wasn't expecting.  You stopped growing.  You were what they called "arrested".  In that moment, sitting in my car in the parking lot while your daddy was working until it was time to transfer you to me, I broke down in tears.  As much as I wanted to believe you were maybe just delayed a bit, I knew deep down God had already called you home.

For months, I thought of you.  I still think of you.  Every milestone we would have had together - every trimester, the time we had expected to hold you in our arms... I mourned.  I cried.  I loved you and I lost you before you even had a chance to know me.  It was a very hard year for us, because we thought you would be here.  Our little Nemo.

One the one year anniversary after you went to heaven, we lit a candle for you.  I picked out as close to Aquamarine as I could.  Your light shined brightly and burned for more than 24 hours.  That candle now sits in our house, with a onesie I bought for you after we found out you went to heaven.  I'm not sure why I bought it, other than I felt compelled to as a symbol of hope.  That's your onesie, though.  You may never wear it, but it's yours and always will be.

This year, in October, we tried again.  Don't worry, I never forgot about you.  I found myself terrified that we would get the same calls.

I was terrified, but I kept up hope.  We didn't tell your sister this time, though.  We didn't tell many people because it was very hard to have told your family and our friends about you, only to have to tell them we lost you and there would be no baby in our arms.

You had two siblings join us on October 24th, 2016.  Once again, like you, these two were special.  Because of 14 potential babies, only two of them made it.  Two more fighters, just like you.

To our October babies... we knew that one warrior had gone before you.  We prayed and prayed and waited anxiously to find out how much you had grown.  We had plans for you, too.  We had new names picked out.  And, although your sister didn't know about you, we had plans to let her paint a picture in your nursery, because she loves art and does beautiful work.  

We planned on having you tested to make sure we knew you would make it once you were transferred to me.  We had a transfer date set.  I was excited about possibly transferring both of you.  I pictured telling our family on Christmas that you would be joining us next year - either as one or as a pair.

I was also scared for you.  You see, we lost your older sibling more than a year ago.  We were so scared we would lose you, too.  But we kept up the hope, and continued to make plans.  I diligently researched names, trying to find names with the perfect meaning.  You were going to be our beautiful, bright flowers.

We also decided we wanted a video of you.  From day one to day five we wanted to watch you grow.  We couldn't wait.

Both of you fought to day three.  They told me one of you was looking better than the other, but I chalked it up to maybe one of you was just a late bloomer, and kept holding onto my hope that soon, we would be finding out more abosbut you.

I had to wait the weekend to find out how you were doing.  It was torture.  Waiting is the hardest... I hope you have more patience than I do.

On October 31st, I found out that two days before, you stopped growing.  They gave you another day, and I know you fought as hard as you could to be with me, but God called both of you home to be with Him and the sibling before you.

I cried.  Your dad cried.  I couldn't believe that we would never hold you.  I would never be able to count your fingers and toes.  I would never be able to see your eyes open for the first time, waiting with anticipation to see if they were a deep brown like mine or a bright blue like your daddy's.  I wouldn't be giving your big sister a teddy bear with your heartbeat recorded in it for her to listen to.

I still can't believe you're gone.  

All three of you will be remembered.  How could I forget you?  You were part of your daddy and me, regardless of the fact I never carried you in my belly.  

It's comforting to know that all three of you are together in heaven, waiting for us to one day join you.  I can count your fingers and toes then.  I can hold your face then.  I hope you've met your great grandparents and your great Uncle Jay.  I know they'll look after you until we get there.

Soon, I will carry a physical symbol of you near my heart.  All three of you.  I love that.  It was your daddy's idea.  He's a pretty amazing man, and I know you would have made him - us - proud.

I may never have met you on this earth, but this is just a resting place - you were just called home sooner.

And, until we meet you in heaven and can tell you ourselves... I want you to know we love you.  You were loved the moment we knew you came into existence.  Actually, we loved you before then.  Nothing will change that.

Love,

Your mommy and daddy

Heavenly Father, please watch over our angel babies.  I may not understand now, but deep down I know you brought them to you after five days for a reason.  I will try my very best to trust in You and Your plans.  Please also be with all of the other babies called home all too soon.  Called home too soon for those left here on earth, with parents still here trying to understand why You brought them to heaven so early in their lives.  Please be patient and understanding with the loved ones of these angel babies, as we don't always understand why You work the way You do.  There are days we feel it is unfair and we find ourselves angry at You.  Please have mercy on us during those times, yet help us not to lose sight of You.  It's in Your name I humbly pray, Amen.

The Journey Pendant

***This post was originally going to be "An Open Letter to The Children I Never Met", but I realized some background may be necessary.  This is a small but significantly meaningful part of our infertility journey together***

It's almost 3:30am and I cannot fall back asleep.  I think I have a lot on my heart and my mind.  As what should have been our transfer date nears, I find myself slowly realizing we failed a second cycle.  My brain recognized it happened, but only as an event - it almost still feels like it NEVER happened.  Or, something as normal as I had an appointment with a doctor, everything was standard, nothing to write home about.

I finally took the leap and requested our Embryoscope video and pictures of our embryos from our latest cycle be sent to us.  (FYI - Embryoscope is a unique process in which the embryos remain in the incubator during the 5 days, allowing the Embryologists to get more pictures of the embryo.  From here they can create a time-lapsed video of the embryo from fertilization to just before transfer.)  Doing so - without even receiving a response yet (as I sent the request on a Friday evening) started to break down the walls my brain has built to protect me.

For those who aren't familiar with our story, particularly the beautiful gift my husband gave me when we started our first IVF cycle, here it is.

Our first IVF cycle was in March of 2016.  Just before I started my medications that January, my husband (who was working for Helzberg Diamonds at the time) bought me a beautiful Journey pendant.  It became the necklace I only took off when I had to.  The necklace was a wonderful, thoughtful symbol of what was to come.  It was exciting. Every stone was a diamond - pure, clear, beautiful.

After our failed cycle, there was a period of time I was upset with my husband.  I felt like he wasn't hurting like I was and that he didn't understand the pain I was going through.  He never expressed to me how he really felt.  It seemed as though I was alone in my grief.

However, I know now he was grieving.  He grieved not only the loss of our single embryo and the outcome of our cycle, but also took on MY heartache.  He hated (and still does) that he couldn't take away my pain.

Just as I was beginning to vocally express my frustration with him for not opening up about how he felt, he surprised me.

I often visited him at work, and he usually took the time to inspect my jewelry (oh the perks!).  He wanted to take a look at the Journey pendant.  He told me a stone was loose and it needed sent off for repairs.  I thought nothing of it.  After all, I constantly wore it - loose stones seemed like a normal thing that would happen.

However, when I got it back... it wasn't the same.  In the very center of the pendant where there was once a diamond was an Aquamarine stone.  Aquamarine is the March birthstone, and he had it added to represent our angel embryo.  

He also traded out two other diamonds for Amethyst - our birthstone (February).  So, on either side of our angel embryo was "us".  It was his way of letting me know he also constantly thought of the embryo we lost.

It was the most thoughtful gift he could have given me.  It was his way of showing me he was grieving, too, and he thought of our angel embryo, too.  

I could now keep a symbol of our loss and heaven's gain close to my heart.  I sometimes find myself holding it between my fingers, sometimes consciously, sometimes not realizing I'm doing it, but when I do, I'm thinking about the little embryo that fought until day 5 before God called him or her home.

Fast forward to today.  In October, we lost two embryos.  Today we went and dropped off the necklace two have two more stones switched out.  There will be two pink sapphire stones (one of October's birthstones) surrounding the Aquamarine birthstone, and all three will be between our birthstones.

Three beautiful embryos, three beautiful babies in heaven.  As we were standing in the store, as I listened to the squeals of children, I held the pendant and began to cry.  Reality sinking in, little by little.  I turned to my husband and said through my tears, "at least our first baby won't be alone anymore", to which he replied, "I'm sure they're in heaven having a party waiting for us."  I found myself smiling through my tears and responding with some remark about how much trouble they're going to be in for throwing a party without talking to us first and that they're too young to be having parties.

So, that's the story of the Journey pendant.  I'll post a picture once it comes back to us. 

Romans 5:3-5 Not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Now this hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Much Love,

Kristy