I have remained pretty quiet lately. I wish I could say it is because I no longer think about our IVF loss and infertility daily. That is not the reason for my silence. Unfortunately, the reason is my constant fear of dismissal of my feelings and grief the farther away our failed cycles fall on our life timeline. The fact is, I have been openly criticized for still carrying the losses so heavily, so being vulnerable has been difficult.
If I am being honest, I also become frustrated with myself that I have not progressed further. This caused me to really, really think about why that may be. It also resulted in me wondering how others could be so assured about where I should be emotionally, especially on anniversaries of cycle losses or around big events like holidays, birthday parties, and baby showers. After a lot of contemplation, I finally had an epiphany.
This is so hard to overcome because we never overcame infertility. Infertility and endometriosis had the last word. I never got to experience the pregnancy or first-time motherhood milestones I dreamed about. I never saw a positive pregnancy test. I never got to see the look of excitement on my husband's face when I told him we would finally be having a baby. I never got to see an ultrasound photo. I never got to surprise my family with the news they would be a sister, grandparents, aunts, or uncles. I never got to hold my infant with my little family by my side. I never got to see "baby's first" anything. And, I never will.
Although I know my worth - and no one's worth - is contingent on the ability to have children, this reality still sucks. A lot. Every holiday is a reminder of those moments I will never get to experience. Every birthday party is a reminder of those birthday parties I will never get to plan for my own child. Every baby shower is a reminder of something I will never get to experience. And as much as I want those feelings to go away, as many therapy sessions doing EMDR as I have done, as much as I continue to process as my brain will allow, I think there is something to be said about the fact that our infertility journey has this word attached to it: unresolved.
This is not at all to diminish the feelings of other warriors who have gone on to have children. Infertility on all fronts is hard and even with "resolved" (I say that loosely...I don't think you ever truly resolve this) infertility. But, I think I also don't post as much as I think because I don't ever want to make women who have had babies at some point during their infertility journeys to feel "survivor's guilt". At the same time, remaining quiet does not do the community of women like me any favors. We exist. And it is lonely.
As Christmas approaches, this is your friendly reminder that it is never okay to ask a couple when they are going to have kids. This is your friendly reminder to please not judge those who may feel down during the holidays because of infertility. This is your friendly reminder that it is never our place to put a timeline one someone else's grief, no matter what that grief may be about.
Before you leave thinking I am just doom and gloom, I will say this...it DOES get "easier". The grief hits me less frequently than in years past, even if the intensity of that grief feels the same as it did year one. The time it takes to recover from those episodes of grief gets shorter. Or, at least it has for me. It is still a work in progress and I know I still have work I need to do in therapy, but brains only allow us to process so much before shutting down as a coping mechanism. I feel optimistic that despite the unresolved nature of my infertility, I will continue to have less "bad" days and more "good" days. I am grateful for each day I do not spend at a level six-to-seven pain because my endometriosis kept coming back so quickly. I know I made the right choice, but it does not make stomaching that decision any easier. I was forced to choose between my health and my dream of having children, and that is not a great feeling. It is definitely compounded by the fact that at one point, my infertility was maliciously thrown in my face.
To my fellow warriors, this is my gentle reminder to you that you can feel more than one feeling and it be completely valid. You can feel excited and happy for the children you have while also grieving those you lost. You can feel happy for another couple for their exciting news while also feeling sad for yourself. You can appreciate the things you do have in life that others do not have while also feeling disappointment for what you do not have. There is space for all of those feelings and I am a firm believer that we would all be more emotionally healthy if we just accepted that our emotions are complicated and that nothing is black-and-white. If you have known me for even a couple of years, you probably know how huge it is that I am able to get out of a black-and-white-thinking pattern.
No matter where you are on your journey...and no matter what feelings may creep up on you...I want you to know this above all things: your feelings are valid and you are seen. My hope is that even if you are experiencing a high level of grief, you can still find some brightness in this holiday season, even if it is just in the smallest of ways.
Happy holidays, friends. And remember...no matter what, YOU are enough.