It's impossible to miss or avoid this time of year.
Radio and television advertisements selling the perfect gift for mom. Cards, flowers, balloons, and gifts in every store with "Mom" splashed across practically everything. Facebook posts from businesses with contests for Mom, more advertisements for gifts for mom, and moms posting about their children.
And for those who may find Mother's Day one of the most painful days of the year... it's like having salt poured into an open wound over and over and over again.
Yet, it's not always just black and white when it comes to whether or not you grieve on Mother's Day. There's a lot of complexities involved. I'll get to that in a moment.
One of my favorite fertility blogger, author, and speaker, Justine Froelker, talks about what she calls the "permission of the And". You can learn more about Justine and her work here (I definitely recommend following her if you're an infertility warrior). Justine's concept of the permission of the "And" is what has inspired this post.
Many of us DO in fact have a reason to celebrate Mother's Day in some way, shape, or form. Whether that means having a mom, being a mom, or being an expecting mom. That doesn't mean that behind your reasons for still being able to celebrate that there isn't some level of grief associated with Mother's Day. In fact, I'm willing to bet if you're reading this, you have a reason you hurt when this day filled for many with cards, flowers, and a special breakfast rolls around.
I often have a lot of friends and family on my heart when I think of Mother's Day and the others who may also be enduring a difficult day, or even weeks leading up to and following, Mother's Day.
So, this is for you... whether you're a family member, close friend, acquaintance, or stranger.
To the one who has a mom no longer in this earthly realm... I'm sorry you're grieving on this day. I know you're grateful for your memories and the time you got to spend with your mother. Yet, you grieve that she is not here to celebrate and shower with love.
To the one who has a mom who is still living but not in your life anymore, for whatever reason... I'm sorry you're grieving on this day. You may still long for that relationship you never had or the relationship that fell apart. You, too, have suffered loss. And, even if you have babies of your own now, that doesn't mean you can't still feel the heartache of feeling terribly hurt and alone.
To the one who has a mom who you have a relationship with but lives far away or who you can't see on Mother's Day... I'm sorry you're grieving on this day. Even though you are grateful and happy your mom is still in your life, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel that ache of not being able to hug your mom today or that you miss out on celebrating with her.
To the one who IS a momma, but you cannot be with your children for whatever reason on Mother's Day... I'm sorry you're grieving. It's ok to be grateful for the children you have while simultaneously feeling empty because you cannot hold them in your arms - no matter how young or old.
To the moms who are empty-nesters... who perhaps have been told you are no longer really a mom because you're done raising your children, I'm sorry you're grieving on this day. You will ALWAYS be a mom, whether your children are independent or not. But, you're allowed to feel grateful for the time you got to spend with your children and raise them while also feeling a sense of loss that comes from no longer doing those mom things you did when they were young.
To the moms who have children, but have also have babies in heaven... I cannot even imagine how torn you feel. And, I'm sorry you're grieving on this day. While I know you are grateful to have your child or children to celebrate with, to shower you with love, cards, and burnt toast... there's that part of you that aches for the babies that should also be here celebrating this day with you.
To the moms who are holding your foster babies or adopted babies... Today your emotions are probably mixed. You know the sacrifice another mother made so you could hold your sweet child. Or maybe you know the horrendous conditions your sweet angel has endured and you want nothing more than to know for certain you can protect him or her forever. So, though you may celebrate with the traditional Mother's Day cards and flowers, as you sit there feeling blessed and love, part of you aches for the birth mother, and I'm sorry that brings you grief on this day.
To the adoptees, whether you knew your birth mother briefly or not at all... I understand what you're feeling. I hope that, like me, you grew up in an amazing, loving, and supportive home. And while you celebrate your mom - the one who raised you, dried your tears, taught you to believe in yourself, and loved you unconditionally... a part of you feels anger, hurt, loss, or all three when thinking about your biological mother. And, I'm sorry you, too, are grieving on this day.
To the stepmoms out there... who know that no matter what you do, sacrifice, give, care, and love your stepchild or children like you would or do your own, you are not your stepchild's mother... It's a tough role to play, especially if your stepchildren don't care for you and make a point to show that. Or, if you're lucky, your stepchildren love you right back and you get to see a glimpse of Mother's Day through your role as a stepmom. It's having one foot in the door and the other out - you may get to celebrate, but having the feeling that you don't deserve this celebration, as you're not truly mom. I'm sorry you're grieving on this day.
To the women who wish desperately they got to celebrate this day as a mom... boy, do I feel your pain. There's honestly no happy side to this one. You thought you'd be celebrating your first Mother's Day... or maybe you're remember that this should be your second Mother's Day... maybe 3rd... 4th... and so it goes on. For years, you've held out hope, told yourself, "maybe next year", only for this day to roll around again. And although you may have your mom in your life that you celebrate or mother-in-laws to celebrate... the emptiness you feel today is magnified. I'm sorry you're grieving on this day.
Whether you're 90% happy / 10 % grieving, 50% happy / 50% grieving, or 100% grieving... remember to do something for yourself today. Step away for five minutes. Take a long shower. Go completely off social media. And while I know it's not always possible, and maybe you can't accomplish it today, but promise me you'll do something within the week to take care of yourself. Allow that grief to wash over you in waves. Don't fight it. And while those waves aren't crashing so hard, take that time to focus on steps towards finding a place of relief. Trust me when I say ignoring self-care lands you in a place much deeper and darker than if you were to take 15 minutes to find your sanity.
I hope this Mother's Day you're able to allow yourself to grieve while being grateful... not allowing those two feelings to spend the entire time fighting inside of you, against one another.
Consider this your permission slip to feel ALL of the feelings, without the guilt. Because I can promise you I'll be doing exactly that.
Love,
Kristy
