I don’t blog as often as I’d like. Part of it is the perfectionist in me. But most of it is trying to put together the thoughts and words on a topic that is so emotionally-charged.
This is National Infertility Week 2019. And this post is for my fellow warriors - all of you.
To the women who are holding your rainbow babies - I see you. I see pictures of you holding your beautiful child. I see your smile, your updates on how life as a mommy are going, I see your new family pictures. My heart is so full and happy for you. Your dream has finally been realized.
But, I also see the wounds left behind. You see, I know that even though you have the child you longed for, you suffered unimaginable loss first. I sense that you are so torn - torn between feeling grateful for the new addition to your family and the grief you feel over the babies you never met. I know you think about those babies the same way I think about mine that never graced this world. You remember the milestones those sweet angels should be hitting. You remember the plans you had. Perhaps you even remember the name you had picked. And maybe you even held your angel in your arms for all to short of a time.
Those battle scars will remain with you. You are still a warrior. You are allowed to feel blessed for what you have while simultaneously aching to your core for the older brother or sister your rainbow baby should have had.
You may have survivor’s guilt. So here is my message to you, beautiful warrior. I know you still understand. You lived what I’m living now. Just because you have a baby now and I do not does NOT mean you have forgotten your journey. You’re still an infertility warrior.
To the mommas who have never been diagnosed officially with infertility, but suffered a miscarriage - I see you. If I know you or know your story - know that I think about your angel or angels in heaven. I can’t imagine the pain you felt when you heard the doctor tell you they’re sorry, but your baby is not going to live. I also see you with your beautiful child or children, but I know that you hurt. You are still a warrior in my book.
To the mom with a child or children who is struggling to add to your family - I see you. You’re family isn’t complete. You feel that in your heart. You think about it daily. You may be shamed for “not being grateful”. You may even shame yourself. But, you still hurt. You still long to hold another child in your arms. Here is my message to you, my sweet warrior - your pain is just as valid as mine. Just because you have had a child or children and I haven’t doesn’t make your pain any less valid than mine.
To the warriors who are still waiting for your first child - I see you. I know your hurt all too well. The failed months of trying to conceive naturally. The negative pregnancy test. The medicines, the scans, the procedures - all followed by a phone call telling you that your journey this time is over - it hits you like a ton of bricks. All of that time. All of that money. All of those resources. All of those emotions. All to come up with an empty belly and empty arms. I see you struggle with the decisions to come. Try again? Give up? Donor eggs? Donor speed? Embryo adoption? Fostering? Adoption? You grapple with which decision is “right”. And my message to you tonight is I am right there with you. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I feel adrift. Lost at sea. Standing alone in the middle of a desert.
But, I’m not alone. I am 1 in 8. While the pain we experience, our timelines, our losses, and our stories may vary, the bottom line is we are fighters. And, pain is pain. Loss is loss. Grief is grief.
And no matter where you are or where you have been during this crazy experience that is infertility and/or pregnancy and infant loss - I see you. Zero judgement. Zero resentment. Just a heart full of love, compassion, and empathy for you. And - if you or someone you know needs someone to talk to - I am here.
Love,
Kristy
