Lately, I seem to be stumbling upon past posts of mine - either blogs or posts on our Facebook page.
The common theme?
Hope. Faith. Positivity.
Perhaps that is why my latest blog was in April.
Honestly - I have grappled with whether or not to even DO blog post...especially this close to the holidays. I fear that people think I should have moved on by now. I am afraid people just see me as "the infertile woman who just won't move on". And...because my entire being feels a complete and utter void of the three things I tried to maintain.
Hope. Faith. Positivity.
I have put a lot of thought into my decision to say YES. Yes - I am going to share. I am no longer going to continue to hide behind the shame I have buried myself under for what feels like eternity. The reason? I know I'm not alone in my feelings. And perhaps I can help someone feel a little less alone.
The past three years have been a whirlwind. Career changes. Moving to a new house. Three IVF cycles - two of which involved 6 hour round trip travels. Four surgeries for my endometriosis. Multiple hospitalizations prior to the surgeries due to pain. A health scare where I had to see a neurologist briefly. There were more things that happened, but you get the point.
It was nonstop. Until about a year ago when everything quieted down.
The final surgeries were successful...I was no longer in excruciating, chronic pain. Additional cycles were off the table - financially, physically, and emotionally.
Chaos and distractions? Gone. So naturally, the brain does what it's designed to do. The floodgates opened.
As hard as I tried (when I chose to), I couldn't process what happened. Part of it was that I simply didn't have the time or energy. Now I am forced to do just that.
I'm staring it in the face. The loss. The confusion. The hurt. The anger. The resentment. The financial burden incurred during all of it. The numbness. The depression. The "what-ifs". The "what nexts".
There are moments I feel everything...yet nothing...at the same time.
So, where does the shame factor into the equation?
I've completely lost faith, hope, and positivity.
I feel like I have been beaten down. I no longer want to have faith or hope, because so far, I have been told "no". This year, I haven't even really attempted to get pregnant. Why? Fear and lack of faith and hope. I couldn't and can't bear the thought of trying and failing. Again. And again. And again. And again.
"But you won't know unless you try.". True. But if I try and fail again? I simply cannot even stomach the thought. So I quit. I gave up. I decided I couldn't keep holding onto hope and faith, because if those two things were all that was required? There would be three additional children to celebrate Christmas with.
You know what I fear? Being told the reason is because I lacked faith.
If anyone tells you that? It's nonsense. From a Biblical standpoint, I'm sure this will can be refuted. But a lack of faith doesn't cause the sudden death of a loved one. A lack of faith doesn't cause cancer. A lack of faith doesn't cause illness. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your heartache is because you lacked faith.
So why would we tell that to ourselves?
I'm not saying that continuing to lack faith is the answer. I know it's not. I am saying that if you are where I am right now? It's ok. Give yourself permission to grieve...and to grieve fully. Timelines for grief? No. Such. Thing. I'm a firm believer that we all process our hardships on our own terms and our own time. No amount of encouragement, shaming, or well-meaning conversations and messages can force us to face our grief or losses head-on. I also believe that our losses will forever remain in our hearts and on our minds. Over time? It will evolve. But it's never going to go away.
So here's my honest, fully transparent, "I-don't-know-if-I-should-share-this" moment.
I'm not ok. I haven't been ok for some time now. I don't know when I'll be ok. I don't know how my healing process is going to look. I don't know how long it will take. I'm completely, utterly lost, confused, and hurting to the point where every fiber of my being aches. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at God to the point where I have pushed Him away and I want nothing to do with Him, even though it's almost Christmas - the day on which God gave the world its greatest gift. I don't feel like "sucking it up" and smiling and acting like I'm enjoying the holiday season. I'm not. I don't want to pretend. I just want to be. But society and self-inflicted shame push me to do just that - show up, pretend I'm ok, interact as normally as I can, and not bring down everyone else during my massive grief spell I seem to be experiencing.
This year, I'm not saying, "maybe next year". I'm so sick of telling myself "maybe next year".
I can't tie this post up in a neat little bow, so I will end with this.
You are loved. Your feelings are valid. And if you need me...I am here for you.
Love,
Kristy