When It Isn't Different This Year

Lately, I seem to be stumbling upon past posts of mine - either blogs or posts on our Facebook page.

The common theme?

Hope. Faith. Positivity.

Perhaps that is why my latest blog was in April.

Honestly - I have grappled with whether or not to even DO blog post...especially this close to the holidays. I fear that people think I should have moved on by now. I am afraid people just see me as "the infertile woman who just won't move on". And...because my entire being feels a complete and utter void of the three things I tried to maintain.

Hope. Faith. Positivity.

I have put a lot of thought into my decision to say YES. Yes - I am going to share. I am no longer going to continue to hide behind the shame I have buried myself under for what feels like eternity. The reason? I know I'm not alone in my feelings. And perhaps I can help someone feel a little less alone.

The past three years have been a whirlwind. Career changes. Moving to a new house. Three IVF cycles - two of which involved 6 hour round trip travels. Four surgeries for my endometriosis. Multiple hospitalizations prior to the surgeries due to pain. A health scare where I had to see a neurologist briefly. There were more things that happened, but you get the point.

It was nonstop. Until about a year ago when everything quieted down. 

The final surgeries were successful...I was no longer in excruciating, chronic pain. Additional cycles were off the table - financially, physically, and emotionally.

Chaos and distractions? Gone. So naturally, the brain does what it's designed to do. The floodgates opened.

As hard as I tried (when I chose to), I couldn't process what happened. Part of it was that I simply didn't have the time or energy. Now I am forced to do just that.

I'm staring it in the face. The loss. The confusion. The hurt. The anger. The resentment. The financial burden incurred during all of it. The numbness. The depression. The "what-ifs". The "what nexts". 

There are moments I feel everything...yet nothing...at the same time.

So, where does the shame factor into the equation?

I've completely lost faith, hope, and positivity. 

I feel like I have been beaten down. I no longer want to have faith or hope, because so far, I have been told "no". This year, I haven't even really attempted to get pregnant. Why? Fear and lack of faith and hope. I couldn't and can't bear the thought of trying and failing. Again. And again. And again. And again.

"But you won't know unless you try.". True. But if I try and fail again? I simply cannot even stomach the thought. So I quit. I gave up. I decided I couldn't keep holding onto hope and faith, because if those two things were all that was required? There would be three additional children to celebrate Christmas with.

You know what I fear? Being told the reason is because I lacked faith. 

If anyone tells you that? It's nonsense. From a Biblical standpoint, I'm sure this will can be refuted. But a lack of faith doesn't cause the sudden death of a loved one. A lack of faith doesn't cause cancer. A lack of faith doesn't cause illness. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your heartache is because you lacked faith.

So why would we tell that to ourselves?

I'm not saying that continuing to lack faith is the answer. I know it's not. I am saying that if you are where I am right now? It's ok. Give yourself permission to grieve...and to grieve fully. Timelines for grief? No. Such. Thing. I'm a firm believer that we all process our hardships on our own terms and our own time. No amount of encouragement, shaming, or well-meaning conversations and messages can force us to face our grief or losses head-on. I also believe that our losses will forever remain in our hearts and on our minds. Over time? It will evolve. But it's never going to go away.

So here's my honest, fully transparent, "I-don't-know-if-I-should-share-this" moment.

I'm not ok. I haven't been ok for some time now. I don't know when I'll be ok. I don't know how my healing process is going to look. I don't know how long it will take. I'm completely, utterly lost, confused, and hurting to the point where every fiber of my being aches. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at God to the point where I have pushed Him away and I want nothing to do with Him, even though it's almost Christmas - the day on which God gave the world its greatest gift. I don't feel like "sucking it up" and smiling and acting like I'm enjoying the holiday season. I'm not. I don't want to pretend. I just want to be. But society and self-inflicted shame push me to do just that - show up, pretend I'm ok, interact as normally as I can, and not bring down everyone else during my massive grief spell I seem to be experiencing.

This year, I'm not saying, "maybe next year". I'm so sick of telling myself "maybe next year".

I can't tie this post up in a neat little bow, so I will end with this.

You are loved. Your feelings are valid. And if you need me...I am here for you.

Love,

Kristy

When God Finally Gives You His Why

I remember the exact booth I was sitting in.  Across from me was one of my most valued former colleague and mentor, Garry Moore.  During our time as coworkers, Garry and I would sometimes discuss psychology, as it was an shared interest.  I told him about our struggle to conceive and the possibility of needing treatment.  What he said next upset me - he told me that I was young and the baby could wait, and I should go back to school.

As I look back now - four or so years later - I realize that Garry's advice was actually very sound.

So how did I get here?

Without boring you with too much detail, here are the little road signs God created for me without me even realizing it.

In July 2017, I left my job at the Red Cross.

For a short time after, I was employed by David's Bridal.  They were only scheduling me for 4 hours every two weeks, so I quit.

My husband and I were struggling to make end's meet.  I was having an identity crisis not having a job.  One day, as I was driving, I called out to God for the first time in forever - out loud.

I begged him to show me my path.  To take away my pain.

That same day, I walked into Bergner's.  I was dropping of something for a friend, and decided to drop by the Lancome counter to visit a dear friend from my former church, Sally.  Since I was scheduled for surgery right in the middle of the holiday season, I wanted her opinion on whether or not I should apply for seasonal work.  She directed me to the Assistant Store Manager - and I left that day with a job.  They hired me despite the fact I would be gone for at least three weeks in December.  I couldn't believe it.  I was grateful and felt as though God heard my prayers.  That day, I felt like God led me on that path and that for some reason, I was meant to be at Bergner's.

I worked in handbags and accessories during the holidays.  Once the holidays were over, I had hoped to move over to Lancome with Sally.  No openings, but Estee Lauder was hiring.  I got hired for Estee Lauder full time.

A couple of weeks ago, a woman walked in for a foundation match.  During our conversation, I found out she was the Interim Chancellor and President of Methodist College of Nursing.  I told her I had thought about nursing in the past, and she encouraged me to apply and told me about their programs.  

She gave me her card, and the next day I emailed her.  The following week I had appointments with a faculty member and a recruiter.

Fast forward to today - I found out Bon Ton, the parent company of Bergner's, is liquidating.

I feel like everything that has happened since last July has been leading up to this moment.  I wanted to work at David's Bridal - it didn't work out.  I got hired for a job I didn't expect to get hired for due to my medical condition.  I didn't get hired for the counter I wanted.  But, I believe with all of my heart that God intended for me to meet Dr. Garrison that day.  You want to know what drew her to me?  My cross necklace my mom gave me a few years ago for Christmas.

I feel like God said no to my prayers for a baby because He knew I wasn't where I'm called to be in my career.  That Garry's advice years ago was likely the same thing God was trying to tell me, but I kept ignoring Him out of fear.  Fear of failing.

For the first time in forever, I feel like I can clearly see what's ahead.  It wasn't a coincidence that I am where I am today.  For the first time in forever, I feel at peace with our infertility.  Am I still sad some days?  Absolutely.  But, I know now that God has plans for me that are bigger than my small world.  They're bigger than I can imagine, and I can't wait to see what He has planned next.

I finally see the WHY.  It took me awhile, but it has clicked for me.  Sometimes we get the WHY quickly.  Sometimes it takes weeks.  Months.  Years.  Sometimes we may never understand the WHY. And as hard as that is to swallow sometimes, it's important to step back and try to see the whole picture (advice from my mother).

If you're struggling to find your WHY, to understand your WHY, please reach out to me so I can pray for you.  I pray you find peace in your heart.  I pray that something in your heart will shift and you have enough strength to cry out to God, even when it feels like He is not listening.  I promise you, you are not forgotten.

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Love,

Kristy