Reality Check... There's Only One Line

Anyone who has wished to become pregnant can relate to this post.  It doesn't matter if it was your first month trying or your hundredth.  

"The POAS Cycle - The When, Why, and Crazy"

(For those of you don't know, POAS is the acronym for "Pee on a stick" or "Peeing on a Stick" or Peed on a Stick" - any variety of the act of urinating on a pregnancy test.  They tried UOAS, but it just doesn't have the same zing as POAS.  It's a very common abbreviation to see in the infertility world, especially following an ET, or Egg Transfer).  Besides, no one likes to actually see the words of bodily functions spelled out.  Plus, we're too busy POAS-ing to spell it out anyway.

Reasons one POAS

1.  Nausea.  Who cares if it's probably the Taco Bell I ate two hours after it sat at my desk.  NO!  It must be morning sickness!  Doesn't matter what time of the day it is.  If it's near that time of month, my mind automatically (as much as I try to reel it in) jumps to PREGNANCY!  Next step?  POAS.

2. Breast Tenderness.  My bra hurts today a little.  Ooooo... and they really hurt when I push on them really hard!  Who cares if it takes gorilla-like strength to make them feel sore... they're sore, so I'M PREGNANT! What else explains it?  (Other than hormone changes that occur with ovulation and menstruation).  Next step?  POAS!

3. It's 5 Days before my period should start!  I know I ovulated this month.  I want to know NOW.  I'm going to buy 10 pregnancy tests.  Why would they make these if it wasn't going to show me early that I'm pregnant?  Next step?  Buy tests. Followed by POATS! (PEE ON ALL THE STICKS!!!)

4. I feel like I'm sensitive to smells.  Like, I can REALLY smell that soap/perfume/food.  It's like I have super-human smelling abilities!  Who cares if the perfume was loaded on way too strong and maybe that's why.  It's because the food JUST came out of the microwave?  PUH-LEASE.  I'm PREGNANT!  Next step?  Leave work, buy a pregnancy test, put your purchase in your purse, open it secretly in the bathroom stall AT THE STORE, and... POAS!

5. It's the day before my period and I don't have cramps!  Meh, it has nothing to do with the copious amounts of acetaminophen or ibuprofen I took to reduce my fever/other pain.  No... this must mean I'm healed because I'M FREAKING PREGNANT!  Next step... POAS!

6. It's the day my period is supposed to start and it hasn't.  I'm never late.  Time to POAS!

7.  I'm a day / two days / three days late... POAS ALL OF THE DAYS!!!

Try as you might... even if you KNOW what the result will be, and you KNOW you know it deep down... you cannot help but allow yourself to feel a glimmer of hope.  JUST enough to feel like maybe... just MAYBE.... for ONCE you'll see two, beautiful pink lines.  

It doesn't matter how many times you've seen a negative test.  It hurts.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Every month is literally like going through the grieving process.  Imagine going through that 12 times a year... for multiple years.  I think I'll save that for another blog post, though.

I POAS today.  I considered doing a live video talking about it, but decided a blog would be less awkward. The funny law of nature when it comes to pregnancy tests and infertility is... inevitably, the day after you test is the day Aunt Flo decides she wants to visit.

It doesn't get easier to see this.  But you do become more numb to it.  A single pink (or blue) line.  A representation of another month passed.  Another month knowing you won't be announcing your pregnancy, or proudly showing your significant other the two lines you want so desperately to see.

You squint at it, shake it, come back and look at it 10 minutes later, hoping to see a faint line. But it seems like that control line is ALWAYS so stinking BRIGHT.  Like it's mocking you.  It kind of makes you want to stomp on it, take a sledgehammer to it, and throw it into the street.

There's only one line.  And with each single line I see, I feel my heart crack a little bit more. What starts out as hope and anticipation ends within 3 minutes with complete and utter disappointment, even if you are prepared for the negative.

Can I say a little prayer for you?  To those of you who have recently seen this instead of two beautiful lines?

Heavenly Father, I know tonight someone else is out there grieving.  Grieving a dream and wish that has yet to come true.  Feeling like she has become invisible to You.  Filled with confusion as to why, yet again, her prayers haven't been answered.  She has seen more single lines than she cares to remember... yet she remembers each and every one.  I pray that tonight, despite feeling hopeless and maybe even angry, that you are there, nudging her and reminding her that You ARE still here.  That her prayer has not fallen on deaf ears. Help soften her heart and strengthen her resolve in You.  Remind her she is not alone.  And help her remain steadfast on her faith journey despite the temptation to pull away from You.  Bring comfort to her tonight. Bring peace to her.  Whisper in her ear, reminding her she is NOT a failure - she is Your child, and Your beautiful creation.  Infertility does not define her, for you had laid out Your plan for her long ago.  And while this does not always bring comfort to her heart, gently guide her back to that place.  In your name I pray, Amen.

Love,

Kristy

Giving Thanks Through Infertility - Part 1

In just a few short days, families will gather around the table for food and festivities.  In many of these families, little feet will pitter patter about, there will likely be a few meltdown moments, and many of them will be asked what they want Santa to bring them for Christmas.

Holidays are a mixed bag for me.  I honestly couldn't tell you at this moment how I'll feel come Thursday.  I'll be even more honest and tell you that even though it has been more two weeks since we found out our cycle failed, try as I might, I really don't think I have begun to process what happened.  But that's for another day, another blog.

Being thankful is a very popular theme during November.  You see it all over social media with the "Thankful Challenge" and it's usually a topic at church.  And, as with anyone who is struggling with grief or depression or if life feels like it has kicked them in the shins (sometimes multiple times or maybe nonstop), feeling truly thankful is difficult.  The mind is a skipping record, stuck on that one scratch that the brain refuses to release.

It failed.  I have no embryos.  It happened to us again.  Why me.  Why us.  Why now.  This Christmas is not going to be different.  I'm in pain, so much so on some days I can't even stand up straight.

It would be easy for me to just tell myself these things over and over again.  To decide that I deserve to stay stuck in this place of these thoughts on repeat, going through my head over and over again.  And, if I were to be completely candid... part of me is tempted to do so.

But... something struck me during today's church service.  At this moment, I couldn't tell you at which point or what triggered it, but I know it was when our pastor was speaking. 

I don't know why, but I found myself thinking... I am thankful for my infertility.

Sounds crazy, right?  But I really think God put that into my head and heart, and now I'm here to share with you a unique - albeit strange - take on the Thankful Challenge.

30 Reasons I'm Thankful for My Infertility - Part One:

1.  It has made me stronger.  I was convinced if we failed a our first cycle, I would completely spiral and would crumble up and die.  But not only did I survive the first failed cycle, I'm surviving a second one.

2.  It has made our marriage stronger.  Infertility can truly make or break a marriage.  We have EXTREMELY rough patches.  But, for more than three years we have journeyed this road together.

3.  It has made me more aware of the feelings of others.  I think about things in a way I hadn't in the past.  I no longer ask people if they have kids or are planning on having kids.  I've become more in tune and sensitive to my surroundings.  I feel compassion more deeply than I ever thought possible, especially for those who are also going through infertility.

4.  It has strengthened my faith.  There was a time (and don't get me wrong, I still struggle) where I turned from God.  I was angry.  I hated Him.  I didn't understand why I had to go through this.  But now I'm to the point where I find comfort in prayer and scripture and turning to God.  

5.  It has showed me how wonderful the world and the people in it can be.  I am wowed by the number of friends, family and even strangers who have reached out to us.  Who have prayed for us.  It has been humbling and I can't really put into words just how incredible it has been to have so much support.

6.  It has taught me lessons on dealing with my own grief.  Grief is a process that in the past, I never really dealt with.  I bottled it up or completely fell apart.  There was no in between.  I never felt like I went through the conventional stages of grief.  But now - now I feel like I've learned how to begin coping and truly picking apart and recognizing what I'm feeling.  More in 7 and 8 about what I learned about grief.

7.  It taught me grief is not linear.  You may feel one way one day and think you're on the path to acceptance, but then suddenly you've moved back to denial.  It's not some neat and tidy process.  It's messy.  It's frustrating.  It's confusing.  But, that's ok.

8.  You can grieve a non-tangible loss.  I never miscarried.  I never saw my embryos.  I never held, felt or saw what I lost.  So for a long time, I struggled with how to grieve our failed cycle.  How could I possibly grieve over something that was nothing more than a concept?  Grieving the loss of hopes and dreams is a legitimate reason to be heartbroken.  There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to go through the grieving process.  You need to.  I needed to.

I'm going to stop there for now, but it's my goal to have 30 reasons up by the end of the month.

1 Thessalonians 5:18: Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. (NLT)

Much Love,

Kristy 

Surviving The Holidays - Again

Introduction:

Welcome to the full-on upcoming holiday hubub.  Stores have Thanksgiving and holiday decorations on display.  People are planning their menus.  Amazon and other online shopping sites are likely becoming inundated with parents and relatives searching for things on holiday wish-lists.  Pretty soon merry carols will be heard playing in just about every department store.  It's a whirlwind of planning, errands, frenzy, and excitement.  And it SHOULD be.  Trust me when I say this is NOT meant to be a super-bummer post designed to deflate your holiday spirit.  

Holidays are wonderful. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, Easter, Halloween... it's a time we set aside to gather with family and friends and celebrate.  For a brief moment in between the hustle and bustle of preparation and then the clean up detail, we're able to sit back and enjoy each other's company, catch up on life, and let out a sigh of relief.

But that doesn't mean that these occasions are without hardship for many... and I'm NOT just talking about those who are going through infertility.  I'm talking about anyone suffering loss - recent or in years past.

There are MANY articles online about this topic... probably written by those with a professional background in coping with grief.  But I have found that like most things in life, nothing is one size fits all.

SO, there's my preface to this little post.  Please know that I'm writing this from the perspective of someone going through infertility, but I think it could be applicable to others dealing with loss.

A Personal Look:

Let me back up a little bit.  Our retrieval was in October.  We had a date set for transfer - and that date was Monday, December 12th.  Are you ready for some acronym knowledge?  Here you go - although Christmas falls DURING the TWW (two week wait - the horrendous time between transfer or timed intercourse during which you either become pregnant or don't), it was pretty darn close to being at the tail end of the TWW.  

I was SO. STINKING. EXCITED.  To think... FINALLY, a Christmas after 3 years of heartache, this 4th year I wouldn't have to feel the same!  I would be able to proudly present a positive pregnancy test to my husband.  I'd be able to share with my family that IT WORKED!  WE ARE PREGNANT!

Oy... How very quickly that dream came crashing down around us.  No embryos to transfer means the transfer is cancelled.

If you're ready to head somewhere a bit scary (just kidding), let me take you into my head during the holidays.

"OOOOOO!!!  This is so cute!  I have to get this for the little (more acronym knowledge - The little is my nickname for my SD = Stepdaughter)"

"I need to text my sisters / sister-in-laws to find out what to get my nephews for Christmas"

"...I may never know what it's like to shop for a child of my own."

"Yay!  Letters to Santa, cookie making and crafts!!!  I love this time with the little!"

"...I may never get to experience these things with a child of my own..."

"Oh rats... there's dog hair/me hair on the tape!  Oh well... they'll be so busy unwrapping they won't care."

"Oh man... an invitation to a holiday party... I want to see people... BUUUUUT... I'm in pain and I'm in such a sad mood I won't be good company.  Pass."

"Yes!  So prepared for the holiday.  Gifts are wrapped and organized.  I am the queen of being on top of things!"

"AWESOME!  Holiday Cards to send to family!  Must get these mailed out."

"Ooops... didn't get those holiday cards mailed out... maybe next year..."

"Yay!  Santa is going to be at (enter location here)!  Can't wait to take the little!"

"The little is so excited to see Santa.  I love seeing her so happy and excited."

"What if I never get to experience this with a child of my own?"
"NO!  Focus on the little.  Don't let her know you're upset."

"(Goes to see Santa)... Oh my goodness she is so precious.  *heart melts* Don't let her grow up too fast!!!"

"Look at all these kids with their families... oh look, they look like their parents. What if I never get to bring a child of my own to see Santa?  To see a little piece of me up there, eyes filled with wonder?"

"(Holds back tears)"

"I wonder if I can sit on Santa's lap and ask him for a baby.  No wait... that can be taken totally wrong.  Nope."

***Actual holiday approaches***

"I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited for the kids to open their gifts!"

"Oh man... I just want to lay in bed.  Yeah, just going to lay here."

"Crap... I'm crying.  Can this bed just swallow me up whole?  I don't want to move.  Where's the dog."

"You.  Must.  Get.  Out.  Of.  Bed."

"Hey!  Don't be a spoil sport.  Don't ruin the holidays for people. This is a happy time.  Get out of bed and PRETEND EVERYTHING IS OK!"

"Ok, I'm out of bed... time to face the world.  I'm ready."

"Nope.  Not ready.  Can I go back to bed?"

"NO!  Come one, Kristy... get it together.  Don't let anyone down."

"Ok.  I'm here.  Try not to cry, ok?  You don't want to be asked questions and you don't want to ruin the mood."

"Crap... I'm crying.  I can't help it.  QUICK!  Hide!"

"Ok... meltdown over.  Thank goodness I wear good makeup... no one will know."

"Awww... look how excited they are to open presents!  They're all so happy.  *heart smiles*"

"*Heart shatters*"

"I may never get to experience the joy of watching a child of my own opening presents on days like today."

"STOP thinking that... it's going to make you cry.  FOCUS.  HAPPY."

"Just plaster a smile on.  You can do it.  (counts down hours until it's time to go home)"

"It was supposed to be different this year..."

"Next year it will be different..."

These are ALL thoughts (well, not ALL of them, but many) that pass through my head every holiday.  As you can see, there is SO MUCH back and forth.  Struggling between trying to keep up the excitement for the sake of the little and trying to take care of myself and my feelings.

It is EXHAUSTING.

But you know what?  I survived.  And I'll survive another.  Not saying it's going to be easy, but I will.  I've proven that I can.  And if you're reading this, you've proven that you can, too.  So major kudos to you, sweet fellow survivors. 


Tips for those grieving: 

So... what are my top tips for surviving the holidays based on these past years?  

1.  Recognize your feelings are VALID.  Do NOT try to downplay how you feel.  YES, someone else is probably having a harder time than you.  But feelings and grief aren't a game of one-upping each other (or rather in your mind, thinking of someone else one-upping you).  You have every right to be sad, to grieve, to cry, to hide, to yell in private.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2.  After you've recognized your feelings, figure out YOUR best coping mechanism.  Meditation?  Hiding in a dark room for 5 minutes?  Talking to a friend?  KNOW your coping mechanism (please make sure it's a healthy coping mechanism) before getting into the holiday.

3.  Know your triggers.  What sets you off???  Can it be avoided?  If it can, AVOID IT.  If it can't, figure out how you will respond.  You don't have to be at every holiday party.  Politely decline.  Or, you don't have to stay for the whole time... make an appearance, then go home and put on comfy clothes and do you.  

4.  Obviously all functions can't be (and shouldn't be) skipped.  Have a "safe person".  Someone who you trust and who knows what's going on.  Let them know you're having a hard time and your plan for dealing with the hard time.  For example, if your way of resetting is to take some time to hide and cry, make sure they know so they can cover for you.  I have to go to the bathroom A LOT during the holidays.  Maybe you can offer to run an errand.  Or maybe you need that person to just come with you to an empty room and give you a hug and a tissue.

5.  Set limits.  Give yourself time to grieve... but don't let it consume your entire holiday.  Decide you're going to set aside "X" amount of time to grieve, then go out and spend time with your loved ones.  You never know if it's the last time you'll be spending that holiday with them.  Don't let your grief and letting your grief take over lead to future regrets.  Set aside the grief in a little box in your mind and come back to it later.

6.  Know that people will inadvertently say stupid things to you without realizing what you're going through... and have a plan on how to respond.  I kid you not, two years ago at a family Christmas gathering I was asked if I was pregnant.  First of all, I didn't look ANYWHERE near pregnant.  And... of course, I WISHED I were.  I was honestly just stunned... I said no, I wasn't... then quickly found my husband and asked HIM if I looked pregnant.  You may be asked when you're planning on having kids, more kids, etc.  Just have some sort of canned response ready for these times, or maybe just hand them a cookie and walk away.  Whatever works for you.

7.  Take some FUN time for YOU.  Go get a massage.  Set a budget for yourself and go buy something.  Go sledding.  If you can afford it, take a tropical vacation.  It can be as simple and cheap as taking a bubble bath and listening to your favorite music.  Just do something for YOU.

8. Go easy on yourself.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's only going to make things worse. Know that if grieving during the holidays is going to look different from year to year.  Adapt.  Adjust.  Learn what works for you.

Tips for Family:

Now for some more unsolicited advice, this time for family members.

1.  Do not ask if someone is pregnant, is planning on becoming pregnant, or anything along those lines.  REALLY, this isn't a great question to ask.  It's really not polite.  First of all, if they ARE pregnant, they will either (1) ANNOUNCE IT to you or (2) You'll find out when the baby is born.  And about the whole planning to become pregnant?  Do you REALLY want to know?  Do you really NEED to know?  Ask yourself this... is it something that will directly impact your life in such a way that you would mean intense involvement on your end?  If the answer is NO, then don't ask.  And if I'm telling you to not ask a FAMILY member, it goes double for asking someone you just meet, a stranger, or a friend.  (This applies to asking if/when someone is planning on getting married.  Just... don't.  These questions can dredge up some real heartache.)

2.  If you do know what's going on, DON'T bring it up.  Let them bring it up if/when they're ready or if they want to talk about it.  Hugs and saying you're thinking about the person is plenty.  If we need more, we'll ask.

3.  ENJOY the holiday!!!  We do NOT want to bring everyone down!  Celebrate, eat, drink, be merry!!!  We will join you as we can, because we want to eat, drink and be merry, too!  It just doesn't come so easy.  

To Wrap Up...

What are some of your tips?  Feel free to share them below. 

In the meantime, HAPPY HOLIDAYS as they approach to you and yours.  Please feel free to reach out to me if you're needing some support.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Love,

Kristy

Why The Little Lotus Project?

The idea of the Lotus symbolizing our journey is admittedly not my original idea.  Rather, it comes from the inspiration of another amazingly strong woman who battled infertility.  I'm sure if I searched I could find her original post about it, but I distinctly remember her Facebook post about the Lotus and what the Lotus represents for her... and it stuck with me.

The message I took to heart from her story was this:

The Lotus is a beautiful flower.  Yet, it grows from murky, muddy waters.  Who would have thought that out of such conditions something so beautiful could flourish?That something so beautiful could happen?  

I absolutely loved this perspective and analogy.

Our previous cycle we talked about our Bright Star.  Bright Star is my middle name (or rather, the English meaning of my birth name, Hye Kyeong).

After our first failed cycle, I wanted to rename and refocus our journey.  Last time, the blog focused primarily on the basic happenings of our cycle and the feelings associated with it.  This time, I want it to be more.  I want it to be inspirational and educational for those directly or indirectly dealing with infertility.

Choosing to go public again was not a decision we made lightly - especially for me.  While the majority of people in our lives have been incredibly kind and supportive, I have come across instances where not only was I met with a complete lack of understanding - but I was met with hostility.  Never did I think our pain, nightmare and struggle through infertility would be used as a method of inflicting emotional attacks.  I truly did not feel safe being open about our infertility and did not want to open the door for further mocking.

I want to end this first post by saying thank you.  Thank you to the more than 50 people who shared our story.  Thank you to those who have privately messaged us.  Thank you to those who have donated to our campaign.

Please feel free to let me know what you'd like to learn or know in future posts, aside from our personal journey updates.  

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
- Jeremiah 17:7-8


Love,

Kristy